


catullus 16

by nux_myristica



Series: a dream turned nightmare [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous Relationship, Homophobia, Implied Public Sex, Implied Sexual Content, Internal Conflict, M/M, Religion, complete and utter blasphemy, hints of markhyuck, implied sex in a church, jaemin does cam work on the side, jaemin's manipulative, jeno's whipped, unhealthy relationship, very poor attempt at depicting mormonism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:55:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22748191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nux_myristica/pseuds/nux_myristica
Summary: After high school, Na Jaemin vanished off the face of the earth.Perhaps it was for the better.  Jaemin and Jeno's friendship wasn't so much of a friendship as it was Jaemin using Jeno for his own enjoyment.  And Jeno let it happen, because it's Jaemin, so why would he not?Two and a half years later, over winter break during their junior year at uni, Jaemin reappears, and Jeno's life turns upside down.// catullus 16 - "pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo"
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Series: a dream turned nightmare [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1635652
Comments: 28
Kudos: 86





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> oof. this one's loaded.
> 
> i've been working on this monster for a while. it has not been an easy ride, let me tell you.
> 
> two things to note:  
> \- i am not Mormon, i simply had friends who were. my understanding of the religion itself is limited and i did minimal research before starting this project. rather, i picture jeno's religion as an ambiguous mix of strict roman catholicism and mormonism. this detail is not super vital to the story, but if this is something that may offend you, i recommend backing out now.  
> \- this was heavily encouraged by my dear dear friend kendall; thank you for reminding me that this fic exists, and that i needed to finish it. also, if you're here, congrats: you've found my ao3.
> 
> catullus 16 translates into: "i will sodomize and face-fuck you." it was the inspiration for this fic. if you're bored, please check out more of catullus's stuff, because this isn't the only risque thing he's written before. (ignore me being a latin nerd on main)
> 
> and finally, thank you for reading!

**_renjun:_ ** _ do u still talk to jaemin _

It’s three in the morning when Jeno gets the text but he doesn’t see it until it’s six hours later and he’s wiping the sleep from his eyes. His housemate Lucas is blasting trap music to celebrate the upcoming break and Mark, poor, sweet, sweet Mark, is out there trying to calm him down. Jeno pushes his cheek back into the pillow. Ignores the dry behind his eyes, the crook in his neck. 

His phone goes off again, three times. He flips it over to skim the screen with blurry eyes and misses the text from Renjun completely.

~*~

It’s Wednesday of finals week. Lucas already went home for the winter, but Jeno’s waiting an extra day for Mark. They have to fly, but back home, Mark’s got a car and they live seven minutes away from each other. Went to the same high school, same church, same doctor. 

Their town isn’t very large.

It’s icy here in Utah. Not like back home in Ohio is going to be much different. Something about the towering mountains and the scattered evergreens makes Jeno feel as though he’s trapped in a snowglobe. A few weeks ago, the campus had to close for three straight days because the temperature had dropped so low and it was unsafe to go outside to even shovel the snow. Those three days were happily spent in bed. Jeno hadn’t gotten a single thing done.

And heck, he deserves it. He’s a junior at BYU this year and the road so far has not been so kind. Freshman year felt like a breeze, but sophomore year had a few stumbles, and then Jeno studied abroad over summer in Ecuador to build houses. When he’s home, he’s volunteering with the church. His parents are very involved and he’s often taken with to participate in bake sales and fundraising events. He goes to church with his parents twice a week and takes care to manage his biblical studies outside of school and work.

This winter, he’s spending half the break with his parents and their church community to prep for the local donation drive. The latter half he will have to himself: his parents are traveling with several other high-up church-goers to a retreat in Colorado to further “embrace the faith.” Really, it's an excuse to have an adult-only ski trip, but Jeno isn’t complaining. He loves his parents, he loves the faith, but it can be a bit overbearing at times. Those two weeks Jeno’s looking forward to spending alone. 

(Really, he’s looking forward to binging Netflix when he’ll actually have time to. And he told Renjun they’d get the whole gang back together for lunch. Or, well. Most of the old gang.)

Now, though, Jeno’s on his way back to the off-campus house he’s renting with Mark and Lucas. It’s a bit of a walk but it’s not long enough to necessitate a car, so he’s bundled up to the nines in a bulky black coat and scarf. His breath hits the air in a cloudy fog and it brings something small and childish to life in his heart. 

Jeno met Lucas toward the end of his freshman year. He’s not sure if the kid is actually Christian at all, but he seems nice enough and respectful of the religion. Apparently, he’s here on some basketball scholarship that he just couldn’t pass up. And he’s funny as get all, albeit a bit annoying at times. Jeno helped Lucas pass Intro to Geology and in return, Lucas smuggled Jeno a bottle of cheap vodka as a thank you. Which, essentially, was entirely against BYU’s honor code, and was definitely some sort of slight against God, but Jeno was so touched that he let it slide and has kept it under his bed, unopened, ever since.

Out of the three of them, Lucas is the most like a child. He and Mark get super excitable about superheroes and they drag Jeno to the theatres when new movies come out. It’s not perfect, but it’s happy, and really, that’s all Jeno can ask for.

~*~

When Jeno gets back to the house, Mark is sitting in the middle of the living room, on the floor, with his forehead in his palm. A blinding phone screen sits in front of him, open to the messages app. Frowning, Jeno kicks off his boots and approaches.

“Mark?” 

Abruptly, Mark groans. Turns off his phone. Looks up at Jeno with a forehead creased by distress. 

“Sorry. Just stressed. This last exam is going to kill me, man. You don’t happen to know anything about like, calculus, do you?”

Jeno scoffs. “No way. That’s all on you.”

“Right, figured. I knew I should’ve asked Lucas before he left.”

“I don’t think Lucas would’ve been much help, no offense.”

Mark waves a hand. “He’s business, and business and engineering are the same, right?”

All Jeno can offer is a scrunched face of doubt. He shuffles past Mark as the other lets out another groan, but only makes it a few steps before Mark’s calling his name.

“Wait, Jeno! I got a text from Renjun earlier today. He said he texted you a bit ago?”

Jeno blinks a few times and frowns, glancing back at Mark. “Did he?”

Mark shrugs. “He also said you left him on read.” 

Brows furrowing, Jeno pulls out his phone and thumbs through his messages. Lo and behold, the most recent message sent doesn’t look familiar and Jeno clicks. 

**_renjun:_ ** _ do u still talk to jaemin _

Oh. Right. Frown residing, Jeno types up a quick reply and hits send.

**_jeno:_ ** _ ya why?? _

It’s a bit of a stretch. Jeno’s high school best friend, Na Jaemin, kind of fell off the face of the earth after graduation. He got accepted to some college in California and aside from occasional snaps of the beach, he and Jeno hadn’t spoken much. Jaemin ditched Ohio the moment he could and has yet to come back. There’s a small part of Jeno that hopes that maybe he’ll come home for break, but Jaemin’s distinct absence tells Jeno all he needs to know. 

At least, it tells Jeno a lot. Na Jaemin, after graduation, not only ditched their hometown, but he also deleted his social media aside from Snapchat. Not a trace of the younger exists anywhere on the web and sometimes Jeno wonders if Jaemin was just some strange fever dream he had during high school. But then Jeno remembers that their parents are best friends and he sees them every holiday, so Jaemin couldn’t have been a figment of his imagination. Also, Mark remembers him, and that’s obviously the most critical proof.

Jeno pockets his phone and sneaks another glance at Mark Lee. Mark Lee, who’s never ditched him for California. Mark Lee, who makes an effort to keep in contact. Mark Lee, who he’s told almost everything.

Almost. 

“I guess I did. You still down to get the gang together?” Jeno asks, grinning slightly at the light that flickers in Mark’s eyes.

“Dude, yes! It’s been forever, it’ll be great to see everyone again.”

Their “gang” consisted of seven people. Jeno, Mark, Jaemin, as well as Renjun, Haechan, Jisung, and Chenle. Jeno, Mark, and Jaemin were the only ones who went to the same church; the others they just found several things in common with. Renjun and Haechan’s families weren’t Mormon, but they were very involved in the community. Chenle’s family was a major benefactor to the church and had links to its foundation in the area. Jisung was, well, Jisung. Just a sweet kid who needed decent people to hang around.

Plus they all really,  _ really  _ liked Mario Kart.

~*~

**_jaemin-nah:_ ** _ i’ll be in town this break, let’s hang out <3 _

Jaemin beat Renjun by an hour and a half, and Jeno’s parents’ by several. The text comes through right as they’re boarding the plane and Jeno’s too shocked that he considers waiting to reply.

But it’s Jaemin, so he fixes a reply as soon as he’s seated, elbowing Mark in the process. 

**_jeno:_ ** _ yes, let’s! :D _

Mark peeps over his shoulder and hums. “I don’t think I’ve heard from Jaemin since graduation.” 

Instead of replying, Jeno swipes out of the app and sets his phone on airplane mode. Fishes out his earbuds and plugs them in. Mark huffs a laugh and fiddles with the TV screen on the back of the seat in front of him. Jeno doesn’t even wait for the safety video before he sets his playlist on shuffle and shuts his eyes. 

He can’t sleep, though. The text message is burned to the backs of his eyelids and it bores into his soul. Jaemin’s words send chills down his spine and his hands sweat, his throat dries. For a moment, he’s back under Jaemin’s spell: soft smiles, careful words, gentle touches, eyes that know too much. 

_ “Can you keep a secret?” _

Then there’s an elbow in his arm and Jeno’s physically jolted back to reality. Mark offers a sheepish smile and meets Jeno’s wide eyes. Jeno swallows the anxiety that forms at the back of his throat and tries to clear his mind, forcing images of airline safety and proper luggage storage to block out the day he wanted so badly to forget.

When the flight lands in Columbus, and Jeno has managed to forget everything about Jaemin’s text, he turns his phone off airplane mode and gets bombarded with Renjun’s stream of texts regarding Jaemin’s sudden arrival. And Renjun— he keeps going, like Jeno had no idea, like Jaemin wouldn’t have told him. Because Renjun only found out through Jaemin’s Snap story that he updates once every three months and today, Jaemin posted a photo of his bedroom ceiling at his parent’s house. And that ceiling has a dent that Haechan put there years back, and somehow, Renjun remembered it. 

Jeno hears the same sentiment when he gets home, right as he steps through the door, figure laden with winter gear and luggage. 

“Jeno, honey, you remember the Na’s, right?” his mom asks, an entirely stupid question, but he smiles and nods along. “Well, their son Jaemin has come home for Christmas. We’ll be going over to their house for dinner on Saturday.” 

And it feels like molten lava spills down Jeno’s throat. He expresses otherwise. “Great,” comes out of his mouth, lips curving upward into a smile. Really, he’s excited. “That’ll be nice.”

“I’m glad you think so! We’ll also be going to service with them on Sunday. There’s some prep for the annual Christmas celebration that we’ll be staying for, so it’ll be nice for you boys to reconnect a bit.” 

“Yeah, definitely.” 

~*~

The last time Lee Jeno laid eyes on Na Jaemin, it was outside of the graduation venue. 

Despite their underwhelming class size, managing to exit the venue proved rather mobbish. Jeno had to push past several loitering students to get to the designated meeting place, which was a column towards the back lot of the school. The ceremony had been hosted in the gym and the teachers had stressed for organization through and through, but once the parting words had been said, the students couldn’t leave fast enough. 

Really, Jeno should’ve gone and met up with Mark and Renjun and Haechan. Jisung and Chenle had come to the ceremony to support their seniors and their group was planning on grabbing a celebratory dinner before everyone had to go their separate ways. After all, Renjun was leaving for university early, and Haechan was going on vacation with his family, so it was important that they spent this last moment together as a whole group.

Instead, Jeno finds himself dodging parents and peers and walking in the absolute wrong direction, eyes scanning the crowd for a familiar mop of black hair. Jaemin’s exactly where he said he would be, a strange, sad expression on his face. When he notices Jeno, the growing frown snaps into a smile and he pushes off from the column he’d been leaning on.

“Hey, Jeno.” 

Jeno comes to a stop in front of Jaemin, a step too close. Jaemin sucks in a deep breath and lets his gaze travel down Jeno’s form. He reaches out a hand and brushes off some nonexistent lint from Jeno’s chest. 

“Can you believe it? We’re adults now.” The remark falls heavy on tense air and Jeno doesn’t respond. “It’s uni next, then real life.”

“It’s still real now—” 

Jaemin’s smile twitches. “Not real enough. Not for me, anyway.”

Jeno isn’t sure what to make of that. Weighs the words in his mind, debates their meaning. “I don’t think I’m ready for what’s out there.” He laughs, meaning it to be a jest to lighten whatever this mood was, but it only made Jaemin’s smile less genuine, less kind. Bitter.

“I know, Jen. I know. And that’s okay.” A pause. “You’ll have fun with Mark at BYU.” 

“You could’ve come, too.” 

And Jaemin  _ could have.  _ He applied, much to his parent’s delight (and demand) and got in. He even won some scholarship money that eased the tuition fees. But Jaemin didn’t want BYU. Apparently, he had applied to some other schools and set his attention on some random college in California. He never quite specified which one. 

“Yeah. BYU isn’t for me, I think,” Jaemin replies, huffing a soft laugh. “I just wanted to tell you I’ll be leaving early, Jeno.” 

Jeno frowns. “You’re leaving?”

Nodding, Jaemin casts his gaze aside. “Yeah, I— I need to get out of here, Jen. I’ll be back, some time. I need to be away for a little while.” 

The words hold Jeno’s heart in a death grip and he feels like he’s falling. “W-when are you leaving?” 

“Tonight. I’m taking a redeye to Cali. My parents helped me scope out student housing for the summer. We’ve already started shipping some stuff out.” 

Jeno didn’t like this. He didn’t like it at all. “So you’re just leaving? Just like that?” Buried in the long graduation robe sleeves, Jeno’s hands started to shake. 

“Oh, Jeno.” Jaemin’s eyes stare straight into his soul and see more than Jeno was ever willing to bear. “Sweet Jeno.” Jaemin reaches up and cups Jeno’s jaw, smoothes his thumb over Jeno’s cheek. “You can’t get rid of me that easily. You’ll see me again, I promise.” 

Another beat, Jaemin’s brows tugging together, and suddenly there’s a pair of lips on his. Shocked, Jeno’s slow to respond. But he does respond, eventually, and it’s sweet until it isn’t, tainted by Jeno’s tears. Jaemin pulls back and wraps his arms around him, pulls him close. 

“I will never, ever, say goodbye to you, Jeno.”

~*~

The next time Lee Jeno sees Na Jaemin, he doesn’t recognize him.

Typically, when time passes between interactions and it’s during youth, one can see the aging take place. One can see the loss of naivety and the toll of the wear and tear of the daily grind. People may tend to seem older, but most often they still look the same. Their eyes remain the same.

Jeno was expecting a transformation as such to take place. Perhaps the bowl cut would be no longer, but Jaemin would still look like  _ Jaemin.  _ Natural hair and natural smile. Well-dressed. The pristine picture of an obedient church boy. That’s who kissed Jeno outside of graduation that day. 

This… is not that same boy.

Gone are the button-up shirts and khakis. The bowl cut is no longer, as is the natural black. Jaemin now looks like a walking rebellion: his blond hair is meticulously styled to look messy, his clothes now bathed in blacks and greys, his face tainted with piercings and smudged make-up. When he makes eye contact with Jeno in the foyer, Jaemin smiles, and Jeno forgets how to breathe. 

He’s  _ beautiful. _

Jaemin’s parents sure don’t think so. All throughout dinner, snide remarks are tossed in Jaemin’s direction. Jeno resists the urge to flinch every time an indirect comparison to him is made.  _ I’m sorry,  _ he wants to say, but he doesn’t. There’s no need. Jaemin takes it all in stride and tells Jeno’s parents about his college experience in California. Jaemin, beautiful smiling Jaemin, feeds off of the adults’ discomfort. Jaemin, devilishly angelic Jaemin, winks at Jeno when he says that no, he’s not interested in finding a girl to settle down with. 

Jaemin’s father coughs something homophobic under his breath and Jaemin’s mom stands up with a tight smile. “I think it’s time we move into the living room. Jeno, would you mind helping Jaemin with the dishes?”

“Of course,” Jeno shoots back with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He starts stacking plates, avoiding his mother’s eyes as she pats him softly on the back, and tries too hard to think about what the swirling design on the china could possibly mean. Jaemin’s a few too many steps ahead of him and nearly bumps into Jeno on his way back out into the dining room. 

“Oh, shit, sorry,” Jaemin blurts. Jeno stares at him for a moment, vaguely feeling like something in the universe has tilt, before nodding and trekking into the kitchen. Instead of doubling back to grab whatever’s left, Jeno rolls up his sleeves and positions himself at the sink. 

There’s some shuffling behind him and it’s a moment before Jaemin takes his place beside him, hip-bumping him as way of greeting. Jeno huffs a small laugh and glances at a beaming Jaemin. 

“Long time no see, Jen. How’ve you been?” Jaemin’s tone is light, amiable. It’s only now that Jeno can see that boy from two and a half years ago in Jaemin’s smile. 

Jeno responds in kind but keeps his eyes on the pot he’s scrubbing. “Alright, I think. Just busy.” He hands the pot to Jaemin absentmindedly and picks up a dirty plate. “You?”

“Yeah, I’ve been ‘alright,’ too.” He sticks his hand out for the plate, waits for Jeno to finish, before continuing. “You’ve aged well. You play sports or something?”

The comment sends a flush to Jeno’s cheeks and he resists the urge to duck his head. “No, but I go to the gym with my roommate a few times a week.”

“Who, Mark?”

Jeno shakes his head. “No, Lucas.”

Jaemin hums. “You still room with Mark, though, right? How’s he doing?” 

“Good, yeah. He’s been stressed the past few weeks but now that finals are over, he’ll be able to chill. I know he’s looking forward to being home for a bit.” Jeno sneaks another glance at Jaemin and finds Jaemin staring back. “We’re planning on getting the group back together. You in?” 

Something minuscule flashes across Jaemin’s face but Jeno catches it, catches the tensing of the smile. Jaemin bites his lip. “I’m not exactly the same as I used to be, Jen. I don’t think—”

Jeno isn’t having it. “You should come.”

That smile, warm and knowing, flashes Jeno’s way. “Okay. I’ll come.”

*

When they’re done with the dishes, Jaemin drags Jeno up to his room and they cue up Smash. Their parents’ voices echo through the large house and even after Jaemin cracks his door, Jeno can hear his mom’s laughter. 

It feels all too normal. Jeno’s propped up against the foot of Jeno’s bed, watching as the younger sets up the Switch. When it’s done, Jaemin shuffles back and plops down on the floor next to him and passes him the controller. 

They’re halfway into their third round when Jeno feels the words bubble up his throat.

“What happened to you?”

Jaemin doesn’t respond immediately. He lands a blow on Jeno’s character and snickers before setting his controller down. Turns to look at Jeno. Eyes him for a moment. 

“I left, Jen.”

“Yeah, but. You’re… you don’t look the same. I haven’t seen you in two years. I thought we were friends, Jaem. I thought—”

“We  _ are  _ friends, Jeno. We always will be.” The remark bites harsh and Jaemin sighs. “I’m sorry. I’m— it’s weird being back.”

Jeno’s voice is small, tentative. “It’s fine.” 

“No, it’s not. I know what I did to you. That wasn’t fair of me. I shouldn’t have put you in a position like that,” Jaemin admits, running a hand through his hair. “I didn’t fuck you up, did I?”

Again with the language. It does something strange to Jeno and he has yet to decide whether that something feels good or not. Jeno lies, “No.”

Another sigh and Jaemin adds, “I’m different now. I won’t do that to you again.”

That something strange, it’s sinking now, and Jeno’s trying not to panic. He doesn’t understand what it is that he’s feeling, other than the fact that it’s complicated and heavy and makes it hard for him to breathe. Doesn’t quite comprehend that he wants to tell Jaemin to  _ wait,  _ doesn’t know what to tell him to wait for.

So Jeno forces a smile, elbows Jaemin jestingly, and says, “It’s okay, Jaem. Really.” He never got an answer to his question, and now he isn’t sure he wants one. “Now let's play the game so I can beat you.” 

“Ha,” Jaemin huffs, shifting his focus. “I think I’ll be the one beating  _ you.” _

~*~

That night, Jeno dreams.

It’s a montage of a memory buried deep within his subconscious. In it, he’s sitting towards the back of Ms. Kim’s History class next to Haechan. Jaemin’s sitting behind him and he keeps poking Jeno’s neck with the tip of his pen. 

They’re watching a documentary about the Berlin Wall. Jeno has taken to scribbling little doodles in the margin of his notebook. Ms. Kim didn’t care enough to assign a worksheet with the film, so he’s stuck dealing with his restless hands, feeling fidgety. It doesn’t help that each poke of Jaemin’s pen feels like a stab of heat to his nerves. Fortunately, the classroom is dark, so no one can see his ears flush a vibrant red.

There’s shuffling behind him, and suddenly Jaemin’s breath is hot on his ear, words low and whispered. “Don’t move.” Fingers tug at the back of his shirt and the pen’s back, but this time, Jaemin’s writing something. It’s going to smear and stain the collar of his shirt, and his mom will probably scold him for it, but for the moment, Jeno doesn’t care.

No one seems to notice. Haechan’s busy staring at the back of Mark’s head. Jeno thinks he hears one of the girls behind him laugh, but he can’t move because the pen’s still there, dragging slow and ticklish across his skin. 

He wants to know what it says. He hopes, deep down, that it’s  _ something.  _ That it will matter more than anything and give Jeno the slightest hope he needs to keep fostering the feelings his religion says he shouldn’t have. Jaemin’s other hand lays heavy and heady and warm on Jeno’s shoulder, keeping him steady, and Jeno never wants to leave.

This is the first time that Jeno acknowledges that his feelings for Jaemin are not platonic.

The whole scene is ruined not seven minutes later when the bell rings and the kid closest to the door flicks on the lights without warning. Ms. Kim is reminding everyone of the homework assignment they have that night but Jeno’s mind is on Jaemin and on the smudged ink on his shoulder. By the time Jeno gets a chance to sneak away to the bathroom, at the end of the day as he’s waiting for his friends to get out of class, the ink is barely there. All that remains is what appears to be the faint outline of a heart.

~*~

True to word, Jeno’s family sits with Jaemin’s at church the next day. Jaemin makes an effort to look somewhat less extreme but the mop of blonde stands out like a sore thumb. Before the service starts, Mark wanders over from the pew where his family sits and greets Jeno. The double-take he does when he sees Jaemin is almost humorous. 

Jaemin certainly thinks so. “Mark Lee.” He’s grinning again, one side of his mouth quirked up higher than the other. Mark’s taken by surprise and doesn’t quite know how to react, doesn’t know what to say. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”   
  
“Yeah, dude, it has. You’re blond now?” Mark balks, reaching out and flicking a strand of Jaemin’s hair. Jeno pulls out his phone and casts his eyes away. Mark’s voice is lowered when he talks next. “I’m surprised your parents have let you live this long.” A laugh.

“Ah, yeah. They’re not happy about it, but they’re glad to have me home.” Jaemin’s laugh is music to Jeno’s ears. “What about you, huh? You don’t look like you’ve aged a day, how’s it feel to look like a child, hm?” It’s lighthearted teasing and Mark whistles at the burn, grinning. 

“Yo, dude, I don’t!” 

Feeling a bit like a third-wheel to their reunion, Jeno checks his Snapchat and decides to send streaks for the day. He’s got streaks with Haechan, Renjun, Chenle, Jisung, and Lucas. Mark sucks at keeping up with things and after the fifth lost streak, Jeno had to call it quits. Swiftly, he clicks through them. Haechan’s is from a while ago, it’s a selfie from earlier that morning with a filter and several sun stickers. Chenle and Jisung’s are essentially the same shot, just from different angles; they’re at a bakery on the other side of town. Renjun’s was all black, the word “streaks” breaking the darkness, whereas Lucas’s was a video of his dog.

Jeno tries to be sneaky. He angles himself away from the chatting duo and aims his camera up, just enough to see the other two over his shoulder. But Jaemin notices too fast and urges Mark over and suddenly it’s a group shot of the three of them smiling in their Sunday best. He sends the photo out just as his mother tells them to take their seats, and Jaemin tugs him down onto the pew. 

Halfway into service, his phone vibrates against his leg. Then again, and again, and again. Slightly irritated, Jeno shuffles the culprit out of his pocket and glances down. 

  
It’s all Lucas. 

Whatever it is, it will have to wait. After service, the Na’s and the Lee’s have plans to grab a late lunch with some other involved families, then it’s off to a gift donation drive for them. Jeno’s already anticipating a late night. He doesn’t mean to complain, really, because it’s a great way to help their community. Jeno’s just a bit tired and wishes he could rest a bit before all of the festivities begin. 

*

Despite the initial tension that rose at dinner the previous night, the Na’s are as kind and warm as ever. Jaemin smiles genuinely as he jests with his parents and the light, teasing nature of the whole lunch reminds Jeno of how things used to be. It’s jarring, honestly. 

The donation drive ends up being just as hectic as Jeno anticipates it to be. Luckily, he manages to stick with Jaemin throughout the whole thing, but this also means he has to watch several girls from their graduating class approach Jaemin and compliment his hair. One of the girls mistake the scowl growing on Jeno’s face as jealousy of the attention Jaemin’s getting and makes a point to say, hey, you look really good too, Jeno. When she and her friends walk away, Jaemin snorts and pats Jeno’s shoulder consolingly. 

Halfway through, around five, Jeno is sent on break by one of the women in charge. He’s arm deep in tissue paper, struggling to wrangle a bulky blanket into a gift bag, when she dismisses him. The break is well-deserved and Jeno shuffles over to the cafeteria kitchen. The whole gift drive is held at his old high school, as it’s a Saturday and the students are officially on break. 

Jaemin follows him in only a moment later and hoists himself up onto the cafeteria counter. Jeno resists the urge to balk— that’s  _ clean counter space,  _ Jaemin.

“I know, but it’s not like they’re using it, right?” Jaemin shoots back, all smiles and knowing eyes. He taps the space beside him with his palm, an invitation. “Up up.” 

Hesitating for only a moment, Jeno shuffles over and joins Jaemin with a soft groan. They remain mostly quiet, having been talking for the past several hours and rapidly stumbling into that awkwardness that comes with people who haven’t met in a while. Jeno pulls out his phone when Jaemin does and stares at the screen, restless.

All they’ve been doing is  _ talking.  _ It’s strange, now, having Jaemin suddenly thrust back into his life. Weirdly enough, Jeno feels like they never left for college, never left high school. The two of them fell back into their rhythm so quick, so easily that Jeno can’t remember for the life of him what it was like when Jaemin  _ wasn’t  _ around.

Jeno tries not to lie, really, and that one there sends him internally flinching.

No.

Jeno remembers all too well what it’s like without Jaemin. Remembers the three-month-long crisis that he had after graduation, remembers his worries and qualms about leaving for university but having no one to talk to, remembers how  _ cold  _ it feels. Having Jaemin back now feels something sinful, because Jeno’s indulging in this warmth, this nostalgia, even when he knows that Jaemin’s leaving again soon and probably never coming back.

So Jeno does what he’s learned to do and swallows those feelings, buries those thoughts, and turns his attention back to his phone. He forgets about Lucas’s spamming until he doesn’t and finds more messages than he remembers. Swiftly, he responds to Haechan and Chenle with pictures of the cafeteria kitchen before even clicking on Lucas’s name.

The first is a selfie. Usually, Lucas is a bit on the vain side and prides himself on finding his best angles. It’s something that Jeno overlooks, as he does with Lucas’s other anti-Mormon antics. Lucas is something foreign to him. Lucas isn’t held back by much of anything.

And it shows, here, in his shamelessly unflattering selfie, in which Jeno can see straight up Lucas’s nose and into his wide eyes, but the bottom half of his face is absent. His hair’s all messy and it looks like Lucas just woke up, which has Jeno questioning just what the other boy has been up to all day.

A banner runs across the photo:  _ yo what where u at is that a church lol _

The next messages are, in fact, messages. Jeno opens the direct message and skims. 

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _?? ur friend looks familiar, he go to school w us?? _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ lol mark looks like a dweeb in those clothes _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ WAIT no hold on _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ ur friend got a name??? it’s not like jaemin or some shit right _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ pls respond this is important _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ can u get his autograph for me thx love u  _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ also tell mark he looks stupid for me _

Brows pulling together, Jeno types up a quick, hasty response.

**_jeno:_ ** _ lucas what are you talking about _

Luckily for him, it appears Lucas has no life, because he replies right away.

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ mark’s shirt and khaki pants lmao he looks like a schoolboy tell him _

Jeno scoffs. Jaemin glances up at him but doesn’t say anything. 

**_jeno:_ ** _ no no about jaemin _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ o shit so that’s fr him???  _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ sorry bout language my bad _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ but seriously tho how u know him that’s wild  _

**_jeno:_ ** _ what do u mean? he went to high school with me _

Lucas started to type, but didn’t finish. The little Bitmoji thought bubble held up and Jeno started anxiously flipping through the app in anticipation. They only had so much break time, so Lucas better hurry up and say what he needed to say. 

Jeno was halfway into some random ASMR soap-cutting video when Lucas finally replied.

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ o lit. yeah ive seen some of his stuff, not really my thing but he seems chill _

That doesn’t answer Jeno’s question in the slightest. 

**_jeno:_ ** _ what stuff tho _

The same woman who dismissed them earlier sticks her head into the cafeteria doorway and calls them back out before Jeno can get a response. “Time’s up, boys!”

“We’ll be out in a minute,” Jaemin says, flashing that same amazing smile in her direction, and she smiles back before ducking out. He hops off the counter and nudges Jeno’s knee. The touch sends heat spiraling outwards and Jeno has to pretend like it doesn’t affect him. “You ready to head back out?”

No, Jeno wants to say, but nods and follows Jaemin. Always follows Jaemin. He slips his phone into his back pocket. It vibrates a little while later but Jeno’s too occupied watching Jaemin from afar to feel it.

~*~

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ [link] _

Jeno clicks. 

He’s laying in bed, finally home after the long day. He and Jaemin ended up having a bit of a competition as to who could sign the most Christmas cards. Right when Jeno got the lead, Jaemin’s mom told them that they were wrapping up and could head home. So, yeah, Jeno technically won. Jaemin doesn’t think so. They bickered about it via text the whole car ride home. 

The link’s loading. 

Jaemin never really seemed like the Youtube type. That was more of Mark and Haechan’s thing. Chenle often got on their level and the three of them would spiral off into references that Jeno only half understood. Jaemin put more of his time into photography and volunteering at the dog shelter and whatnot. And Netflix. Jaemin sure did like Netflix. 

Honestly the idea of Jaemin doing  _ anything  _ online after he went MIA from all social media was somewhat baffling. Isn’t that the point of having social media? Wouldn’t he want his fans to be able to follow him? Connect with him? Maybe Jeno’s just a fool who doesn’t understand the internet, which would’ve been plausible a few years ago, but with his sporadic college lifestyle, he finds comfort in the little things. Like lo-fi study music videos and funny video compilations. 

Admittedly, Jeno should’ve taken a closer look at the link that Lucas sent. Whatever it is, it isn't Youtube. He jumps a little when Jaemin’s face appears on the tiny screen and hits play without thinking. It takes a moment to buffer so Jeno takes in what he can see. 

In the video, Jaemin’s sitting in a dim room, staring at the camera. He’s wearing less than Jeno expected, looking even more  _ Jaemin  _ than Jeno hoped. He winks at the camera and starts talking, voice low, secretive, and Jeno falls. 

He doesn’t sleep that night, or the night after. 

~*~

And Jaemin. Jaemin has no idea.

Jeno sees him next at the evening church service Wednesday night. They’d been texting a bit but about the mundane and Jeno shook like a leaf at the thought of seeing  _ Na Jaemin,  _ knowing that he’s more than just Na Jaemin, in person again. 

The reunion is fine. Normal. Perhaps a bit jittery, a little awkward, but that’s only because of the absence of time between them. They pick up their friendship as though Jaemin never left, never wiped himself off the face of the earth. And it’s fine. It continues to be fine.

More than fine. Jaemin gives Jeno looks that now Jeno understands and wants to reciprocate but he doesn’t. He pretends like he doesn’t know, pretends to be naive and unknowing and whipped because he  _ is.  _

The Na’s and the Lee’s end up in the same pew once again, Jaemin pressed up against Jeno’s side. Jeno spends the majority of the service staring at the far wall thinking about all the things he learned Jaemin could do. 

Jeno panics less than he expects himself to. Honestly, once Jeno finished the first video, wide-eyed, heart pumping frantically in his chest, he waited patiently for the incoming freak out. Braced himself for the nasty homophobic voice that sounds ironically like his own father that sometimes pipes up from the back of his head. Yet he only met the stone silence of his mind and the absolute sin of what he committed himself to next.

Halfway through the sermon, Jaemin taps his leg and Jeno sneaks a glance to see the other smiling back at him. Jeno doesn't hesitate to smile back. 

*

Deep down, something hot coils.

~*~

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ i kno u clicked on that bro _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ u gonna get me that autograph now??? _

**_jeno:_ ** _ what r u going to do with that though _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ hang it up???? _

**_jeno:_ ** _ lame  _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ did u ever tell mark i thought he looked stupid??? bc i saw ur story and he still does _

**_jeno:_ ** _ don’t you have his number? do it yourself _

“Who are you texting?” 

The voice comes as a surprise, jolting Jeno out of focus. When he looks up from his phone, he finds Jaemin gazing back, lips turned upward. Jeno had snuck away after service to the bathroom while his parents chatted up the clergy people. Seeing Jaemin is a surprise.

“Lucas.” Honest, blunt. Jeno pockets the phone, meets Jaemin’s eyes. Falls, again. 

“Ah, the roommate.” 

“Yeah. He keeps sending me pictures of his dog.” It’s too easy to lie. The words glide off his tongue and Jeno smiles through it, focuses on  _ Jaemin.  _ Then he jerks a thumb toward the stalls. “Did you need to--?”

Jaemin shakes his head, hums. “Nah. I was looking for you.” 

_ Why? _

Jeno’s phone goes off against his leg and Jaemin pouts. The younger reaches into Jeno’s pocket and withdraws the phone, squinting. Jeno watches wordlessly as Jaemin puts the phone in his own pocket and offers Jeno the smile that burns at the back of his mind, identical to the one Jeno witnessed the night previous by his lonesome. 

“Let’s go get ice cream.” 

*

Jaemin works up an excuse for the parents and manages to convince his parents to ride home with Jeno’s. The parents think it cute that the boys are getting along so well once again and laugh it off. Jaemin’s dad’s gaze lingers something judgemental but they’re still talking to their church friends and no one wants to make a scene. 

They pass Mark and his family on the way out and Jeno waves but Jaemin doesn’t. 

Upon getting in the car, Jaemin cranks the volume up, blasts the heat, and drives ten miles too fast. He steers them to the other side of town on back roads, with the whole drive there taking roughly thirty minutes. Jeno’s mouth runs dry. He’s stuck between staring out the window at the pitch black and sneaking glances at Jaemin. Every time Jaemin catches him, he flashes a smile. 

At the shop, Jaemin pays. He’s the only one of the two carrying cash, and his wallet’s heavier than Jeno’s. Jaemin walks away with a chocolate cone, Jeno strawberry. They sit at the back. The shop, with the dimly lit neon signs illuminating the checkered floor, is nearly empty. 

“This place hasn’t changed a bit,” Jaemin sighs, words followed by a long lick of ice cream. “Remember when we were here last?” 

Yes, Jeno does. Junior year, finals week. The school released them early each day that week and their friend group carpooled over, as did several other teens in the school district. The seven of them ended up in a U-shaped booth by one of the windows, Jeno shoved between Jaemin and Jisung. They all got milkshakes and challenged each other to chug them. 

Chenle won-- he was the last to get brain freeze. While waiting for the pain to subside, they reminisced about the previous year, which proved all fine and dandy until Haechan and Mark started fighting. This fight-- Jeno still didn’t quite understand how it happened-- surpassed the duration of their ice cream visit and lasted three-fourths of summer. The two refused to talk to each other until Renjun locked them in a room at his house at a surprise get-together. 

Overall, the fight kind of ruined the shop for them. Jeno wonders why Jaemin brought them back.

He wonders, and then he doesn’t. 

“Yeah,” Jeno admits, a bit surprised. “I think you got chocolate back then, too.”

The day Jaemin is thinking of is a different day, one associated with something other than a fight, but something equally lingering.

“I did.” Jaemin nods, eyes warm. Takes another lick. “It tastes as good as it did back then.”

Jaemin’s thinking about the day Jeno told himself to forget.

“Why did you want to come here?”

A shrug, smile unmoving. “I don’t know.” A pause. “Did you not want to?”

There it is again, the panic. Jeno’s eyebrows shoot up a bit and he hurries to cover the blunder. “No, no, it’s nice, I don’t mind! It’s just--” But he stops himself once again because that’s not right either. “I’ll do whatever you want to do, Jaem.” 

Right answer. Jaemin’s stare bores into his soul and Jeno feels like he passed a test. 

Then Jaemin blinks. Frowns. “I’m doing it again, aren’t I?” 

“No,” Jeno lies. “It’s fine.” 

Jaemin observes him for another moment. Swipes his tongue up the side of the ice cream. Jeno can’t look away. Can’t  _ not  _ think about how Jaemin’s kitten licks would feel elsewhere. 

Jeno, warm and tense inside, smiles, and Jaemin smiles back.

~*~

Friday is Christmas.

Jeno’s parents have Thursday off and they spend the majority of it at the church. When they’re not at the church, they’re lurking in strange corners of the house trying to finish wrapping Jeno’s gifts. Strangely enough, Jeno feels out of place, so he opts out and agrees to meet up with Mark and Renjun at Renjun’s house.

Jaemin’s been oddly quiet since Wednesday night. Jeno takes this opportunity to poke at that coiled ball of heat in his gut, but doing so only provokes it and his feelings for Jaemin roar back. His heart hurts, just a little, and he doesn’t know why.

Jeno’s phone remains relatively quiet during the drive over to Renjun’s. Lucas continues to spam him, determined to harass Mark through Jeno instead of doing it himself, and a few “happy holiday” texts from college peers have started rolling in. But each notification serves to send Jeno’s heart jumping into a premature panic.

At Renjun’s, the three of them play Mario Kart in Renjun’s bedroom and talk about life. Renjun went to a college out east, up north in Massachusetts, and all Jeno can relay is that Renjun is busy. Renjun’s more interested in hearing about their messy apartment at BYU and the antics they get up to. Mark fills him in, rants about Lucas’s music habits, with Jeno adding essentials, but the topic runs dry faster than expected and the conversation turns to home turf.

“So,” Renjun begins, cautious. “Jaemin.”

Even just hearing his name has Jeno heating up, melting, falling, thoughts loose spiraling and sinning--

“Yeah,” Mark agrees, hesitant. “Jaemin.”

Jeno nods instead of verbalizing. Drops his gaze to the floor where his phone sits. 

“He’s in town but I haven’t heard from him once? I messaged him about it over the weekend and all I got was a ‘yeah,’ nothing more, nothing less,” Renjun blurts. “I’m kind of pissed.”

Mark blanches at the terminology but nods. “Yeah, not to like gossip or anything, but like, what the heck. I only see the guy at church and it’s because we both happen to be there.”

“You hear from him at all, Jeno?” Renjun asks.

Jeno blanks, then shakes his head. “Not really, no.”

“‘Not really’?” Renjun repeats.

“Well he texted me he’d be in town before you did, Renjun,” Jeno says, to which both Renjun and Mark gape. “I only really see him because our families are close.” 

Renjun scoffs. “Right. He always liked you better than the rest of us.”

Frowning, Mark waits until he passes the finish line to swat at Renjun. “Don’t be like that. We all lost touch with him.” 

“Yeah, because he cut us off,” Renjun reminds them. “No notice or anything. I didn’t even know he was leaving that early! Guy’s kind of a jerk.”

Mark’s eyebrows shoot up. “Wow, harsh. Not sure I’d go that far. He’s different now, he may have changed.” 

“Different how?”

“Like, I don’t know, he dyed his hair--”

Renjun scoffs again. “Okay, yeah, weird, but a new hairdo isn’t enough to change a man.”

Jeno’s phone vibrates and he leaps at the chance for a distraction, heart pounding. It’s Lucas (again) but he’s started spamming. Swiftly, Jeno opens Snapchat and clicks on the direct message.

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ yo not gonna make assumptions or anything bc idk if ur like allowed to jerk off or whatever but like have u checked ur friend’s channel lately _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ lately being within the past twenty minutes _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ because he posted somethin later than usual & he’s different??  _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ deadass dont click but like [link] _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ pretty sure he says ur name 13:49 lmao  _

Mouth dry, Jeno swallows and stands up, makes some lame excuse about having to use the bathroom. If Renjun and Mark interpret it differently-- say, Jeno saddened at the trash-talking of someone he holds dear-- then that’s on them.

He ducks into the bathroom down the hall and locks the door, turning down the volume on his phone real low and clicks on the link. As per usual, the website takes its sweet time loading, but once it does, Jaemin’s face appears. He’s got a hoodie on this time. Jeno recognizes it from high school. 

Jaemin usually doesn’t do much of an introduction or anything, but this time, he talks a bit about hanging out with a friend at a special place and feeling happy. That heat, it travels outward and warms Jeno, warms him so much he begins to shiver. Once Jaemin finishes talking, Jeno skips ahead to the time Lucas mentioned and listens.

It’s low, nearly inaudible, but as Jaemin’s coming-- earlier than usual-- Jeno swears he hears his own name leave Jaemin’s lips. 

Heat.

Jeno saves the link and the time stamp in the chat with Lucas, quickly typing up that he’ll check it out later, before pocketing his phone and picking up this game of pretend.

When he returns to Renjun’s room minutes later, the two have ditched efforts to talk about Jaemin and now joke about Jeno’s dormant character losing three consecutive races.

~*~

Jeno watches the full video later, on repeat, until he can convince himself that he’s not hallucinating. Each time Jeno sinks deeper, loses more of himself, falls even harder. 

He’s losing his mind all over again.

~*~

**_jaemin-nah:_ ** _ merry christmas jeno <3 <3 <3  _

**_jeno:_ ** _ merry christmas jaeminnie!!! _

Jaemin sends the text immediately after he uploads his most recent video and Jeno only knows this because he was waiting for it. The video. The text comes as a shock.

It’s midnight. Jeno needs to be up early for the long-awaited opening of gifts, and then after that, it’s straight off to the church. They’re picking up the gifts from the donation drive and delivering them to shelters and in-need residences across the community. Once that’s over, it’s back to the house for the formal Christmas dinner. Usually, extended family would come to visit and flood the house, but due to the ski trip, the Lee’s chose to keep things close knit. Tomorrow, the Na’s are hosting a Christmas party for friends, family, and clergy. 

Thinking about Jaemin in his room doing naughty things on camera while thinking about Jeno has Jeno battling shivers of arousal. Makes Jeno want to do things he really shouldn’t. 

**_jaemin-nah:_ ** _ what did u wish for???? o.o _

Jeno almost types  _ You  _ but he doesn’t. 

**_jeno:_ ** _ random stuff haha. you? _

A beat. Jeno wonders if Jaemin’s bundled comfortably in bed, if he’s showered yet. Tries to picture Jaemin curled up against his pillow, blonde hair splayed on the linens. 

Jaemin stops typing, but no message comes through. Jeno frowns. Fidgets. 

Ten minutes pass and still nothing. Jeno gives up, slightly peeved, and goes to bed.

*

[2:43 AM]  **_jaemin-nah:_ ** _ it’s a secret!!! ;D  _

~*~

Jeno’s not at all surprised when his family groups up with Jaemin’s to do the gift delivery. From across the room, Mark looks a bit forlorn. All Jeno can offer is a sympathetic smile.

They pool into Jeno’s mom’s Explorer with Jeno and Jaemin stuck in the cramped back, legs flush, knees pressed together. Jaemin smiles at him all innocent and it takes all of Jeno’s self-control to not admit to knowing Jaemin’s secret. Then Jeno’s dad makes a lame joke about a can of sardines and suddenly, it’s too easy, because everyone’s laughing and things feel  _ okay  _ again. 

Halfway into the car ride, Jaemin leans forward into the space between the two moms to answer a question and he uses Jeno’s leg as leverage. Jaemin’s hand burns through Jeno’s pants onto the flesh of his thigh. When he laughs, deep and fake, his hand slides up Jeno’s leg and  _ grips.  _ Jeno sucks in a breath and turns his attention to the window. 

Jeno gets him back on the ride back to the church two and a half hours later. Jaemin’s mom turns around in the car and tells them to smile for a photo, and Jeno props his arm around Jaemin’s shoulders. When the camera’s been put away, the smiles having fallen, Jeno shifts his arm a bit. Doesn’t let it drop from where it rests hot against Jaemin’s shoulder, but instead reorients so he can shove his fingertips in the neck of Jaemin’s hoodie. He half expects Jaemin to recoil and shove him away with some wailed complaint about the cold. Instead, Jaemin seems to melt under his touch. His shoulders relax and he leans into Jeno, seatbelt be damned. Jeno’s hand is under the neck of Jaemin’s hoodie entirely now and all he can feel is heat and skin.

“Hey,” Jaemin says, soft. He’s not looking at Jeno, fingers fiddling with his phone. Jeno watches, waits. Jaemin lifts up the phone and angles the front camera so both of them are in view. Swiftly, Jeno pulls a smile, eyes creased. On-screen, he can see Jaemin smile too. Soft, knowing. Too knowing. 

“Send that to me,” Jeno demands once Jaemin’s taken the picture. Jaemin nods against his arm, muscles tensing under Jeno’s fingers. 

“You boys are so funny,” Jeno’s mom shoots back, unwarranted, unwanted. She breaks their bubble and they in response break apart. Jeno feels cold.

~*~

The Na’s continued hosting their annual Christmas Party in Jaemin’s absence, but Jeno found the parties without Jaemin to be lacking. Luckily, Mark was there, so they hung out with a few other kids their age from the church in the Na’s basement. Strangely enough, Jeno felt like he was cheating on Jaemin. Here he was, in Jaemin’s house, in his space, without him, hanging out with other people. 

Too strange. Jeno considered not coming that year, but since Jaemin was back, there was no need. Obviously he would be there. 

The last Christmas Party in which Jaemin was present went off without a hitch. Jaemin had actually extended the offer to the rest of their friend group, and the lot of them holed up in Jaemin’s room with a plate of hors d'oeuvres they snatched from the “adult party.” They cued up Mario Kart and spent a good hour and a half on Balloon Battle alone before Chenle suggested all sneakily that they should play truth or dare. 

The majority of the game was heavily censored due to religious reasons and the fact that they all considered Jisung and Chenle children. Honestly, the night is mostly a blur, apart from Renjun’s dare that Haechan jump on Jaemin’s bed to the beat of  _ Thrift Shop  _ (clean) and Haechan ended up gaining too much momentum and slammed his head into the ceiling of Jaemin’s room. Jaemin stared wide-eyed at the dent and began to laugh uncontrollably while Haechan slipped off the bed, clutching his head and moaning about a concussion. Mark was the first to stop laughing and go get ice from downstairs. He dragged Haechan down the hall to check his head for bumps and--

Well. Some people really enjoyed that night. This night, much like many of their other friend group endeavors senior year, ended with Mark and Haechan at each other’s throats for one reason or another. Renjun, Jisung, Chenle, and Haechan had to leave after that since Renjun drove them all there, and Mark left twenty minutes later when his parents decided it was late. Jeno lucked out and got to sleepover at Jaemin’s house. They watched scary movies until Jeno couldn’t take it anymore and huddled together in Jaemin’s bed. 

Jaemin kept Jeno up because he kept laughing at how easily scared Jeno got, and Jeno retaliated by saying if Jaemin kept that up, he’d leave. Jaemin shut up too quickly and found Jeno’s hand under the blankets, lacing their fingers together. 

Jaemin got in trouble the next morning because his mother tried to wake them up but apparently, at some point during the night, one of them had locked the door, and she assumed the worst. The Na’s had a strict no-locked-doors policy that Jeno never quite understood. 

Knowing Jaemin now, though, Jeno thinks that rule doesn't matter so much anymore.

*

Honestly, Jeno feels at this point he should just move into the Na residence. It’s hardly been a week and almost every day he’s been “home,” he’s been with the Na’s to some capacity, whether at their house or at church. Really, this isn’t strange to any of them, as he and Jaemin used to do this sort of thing in high school. 

So it’s not weird that Jeno’s on the Na doorstep an hour early, parents lacking. Jaemin had invited him over a bit ago to help him get ready for the party, and who was Jeno to say no?

Jaemin answers the door. He looks like he just rolled out of bed. Jeno wants to kiss him.

“Hey,” Jaemin greets, blinking blearily. The grounds are covered in a thick layer of snow and it’s blinding. Jaemin reaches out and pulls Jeno in, scowling at the icy white. “Thanks for coming over.”

“Yeah, it’s no problem.”

“Hi, Jeno!” Jaemin’s mom calls from the kitchen. Jaemin scoffs under his breath and rolls his eyes but leads Jeno in that direction so Jeno can be a good guest and say hello. He lingers in the hallway as Jeno steps in, observing the tidy kitchen and the various dishes that litter the counters.

“It smells great in here, Mrs. Na.”

Jaemin’s mom beams. “You’re so sweet, thank you! I’m almost done with cooking. You’re welcome to sneak a cookie if you’d like.” She winks at him and he smiles back. He has just enough time to grab a chocolate chip cookie before Jaemin’s tugging on his arm again, muttering under his breath about outfits and food. Jaemin’s mom just laughs and waves them off.

Upstairs, Jaemin’s room is a mess. His bed is not made yet it’s covered in random garments, all outdated, years-old things that Jeno remembers from previous church visits. Jaemin himself hasn’t even combed his hair, buried in a too-large t-shirt and baggy pajama pants. He looks so  _ soft.  _ He stomps around the room and the light catches on his piercings. He’s a force to be reckoned with and Jeno decides, right then and there, that he wants to destroy him.

Not in a damaging way, of course. This is Jaemin after all. 

“I hate all of this,” Jaemin blurts, glaring at the offending pieces of clothing. “None of this looks like me. I haven’t felt like myself since that first night you came over. My parents, they--” a sigh, tired, “-- they want me to pretend to be that well-behaved son everyone thinks they raised.” 

Jeno waits. Watches. He feels like a predator stalking unknowing prey.

“This is all fake, I hope you know that.” Jaemin lowers his voice and points a finger toward the floor. “My mom’s not as bad, but my dad fucking hates me. Has since he walked in on, uh. Yeah. Nevermind. Point is, there’s a reason I haven’t come home, and that’s because they haven’t invited me.”

A pause. Jaemin focuses his gaze on a red sweater that Jeno remembers from the sophomore year holiday celebration. He lifts it up from his bed, regards it for a moment, before yanking it off the hanger and throwing it to the floor. He kicks it for good measure. Jeno watches the fabric fall limply against a pair of abandoned khaki pants.

“Literally fuck this. Thank fuck they’re going out of town on that fucking ski trip. I’m never coming back to this shit hole once this break’s over.” 

The crease between Jeno’s brows falters and he lifts his gaze from Jaemin’s bed to his face. Jaemin huffs, notices the silence, and looks up, meeting Jeno’s eyes.

“You’re the first person I’ve told,” Jaemin says, like that’s an excuse. 

Jeno blinks. The words process slowly, like thick glue finding the edge of a table. His throat runs dry and something pangs at the back of his head but he’s not as hurt by this as he thought he would be. 

“You’re leaving again,” Jeno states. It’s bland on his tongue and he shrugs it off. 

“Jen, I can’t--”

Jeno avoids his eyes. Lets the darkness keep swirling at the back of his mind like a storm cloud. “It’s fine, Jaem. I’m not surprised. You’re allowed to do what you want.”

_ No, you’re not. _

Greed.

Jaemin still looks like he wants to apologize, so Jeno steps in and cracks a smile, no pain evident. “Seriously. Don’t worry about it. Cali’s really grown on you, I guess.” 

“Yeah,” Jaemin admits, voice thick, eyes distant. “I guess.”

“Be careful with these,” Jeno continues, painfully aware of the turmoil he’s caused Jaemin. He stoops down and picks up the red sweater from the floor. “You could probably sell some of them for money. Or donate them, at least.”

Jeno knows, somehow, that he’s fucked Jaemin up. But he steamrolls past it, flaunts his character growth, and encourages Jaemin to be risky at the Christmas Party by leaving the piercings in. Jaemin offers a weak laugh, gaze stuck flickering between the floor and Jeno’s moving form. 

Eventually, the two of them figure out a compromise of an outfit between new Jaemin and old. Jaemin keeps the piercings in, styles his hair, and puts on a different, not dirtied by the floor red sweater and black jeans ripped at the knee. When he changes, Jeno sits on the edge of his bed but doesn’t turn away. Their eyes meet in the mirror. Jaemin halts, t-shirt falling back into place. The jeans are on. Jeno keeps his eyes on Jaemin’s and not on Jaemin’s ass. 

“I haven’t lost you, have I?” 

Jeno holds the stare for a moment longer and shakes his head. “No, you haven’t.”

Jeno thinks it ridiculous that Jaemin could ever consider it. Thinks about what that means, about how Jaemin thinks Jeno belongs to him. He’s right. Jeno  _ does  _ belong to Jaemin. He has, and he always will.

  
What Jaemin doesn’t realize, Jeno thinks, is that Jaemin as a result also belongs to _him_ _.  _

*

This year’s Christmas Party starts  _ rough,  _ and it goes a little like this:

Jeno abandons Jaemin to finish getting ready when his parents show up. They’re ten minutes early by request and Jeno’s sucked into helping tidy up the kitchen. The dads are kicked out into the living area and Jeno’s mom tells them to straighten up the pillows and set out enough coasters that people will hopefully get the message. 

Right at six, several people show up. Mark’s family is one of them. There’s a bit of hugging between the hellos and Mark looks at Jeno all sheepish. They get trapped by the door as a stream of guests pour in. When there’s a break, Mark follows Jeno into the main living area. They make conversation with some of their older peers who are home for the holidays, like Jaehyun. Jaehyun goes to BYU Hawaii, which is apparently a feat not to be forgotten. He’s a year older than Jeno and somehow his parents still find it fit to brag about Jaehyun’s college acceptance.

Jaehyun, much like Jeno, finds the topic uncomfortable and steers it in a new direction. Jaehyun takes no hesitation in kicking out a leg. He’s wearing short shorts in winter and it’s the happiest Jeno’s ever seen him.

  
“I go to school in Hawaii and I’m not allowed to wear shorts this short. This is my only chance to flex my wardrobe,” Jaehyun blurts. His shorts are salmon pink and he’s wearing a white button-down t-shirt. Next to the array of sweaters and dress pants, Jaehyun looks terribly out of place. 

He’s not the only one. Jaemin comes down the steps a minute later. Several heads turn to stare.

Jaemin looks  _ good.  _ He’s wearing what Jeno helped him pick out, but he took an extra step and did  _ something  _ to his eyes that made them look utterly mesmerizing. Black eyeshadow at the corners and grey colored contacts. Jeno thinks he’s going to pass out from loss of blood in the head.

Jaehyun looks thrilled. Hand up, he’s waiting for Jaemin to come close and give him a high five. He’s the only one who apart from Jeno and Jaemin himself who doesn’t look scandalized. Fortunately, Jaemin covers the distance and gives Jaehyun the long-awaited high-five. His eyes, though, find Jeno’s and refuse to leave. 

Mark sidles over right as Jaehyun compliments Jaemin. “Looking good, bro!”

“Thanks, bro,” Jaemin shoots back. It’s dry. Jaemin is grinning cynically, fully aware of what the adults in the room must think. Jeno shuffles closer to let Mark into their circle and Jaemin inches into his space. 

“Gotta say though, if I tried that back on campus, I’d get kicked out. Props to you dude. You can rock it.” Jaehyun’s holding out for a fist-bump now and Jaemin blinks at him. Returns the fist bump. Then Jaehyun shuffles off. 

Jeno’s phone vibrates in his pocket and he pulls it out. Beside him, Mark and Jaemin fumble for a conversation. Somehow, it’s more awkward than it was in church.

Jeno can hear Mark try to call Jaemin out for having their high school group chat on mute without actually stating it. Mark is bothered that Jaemin’s kept his distance, if the conversation at Renjun’s revealed anything, but he’s not pissed. If anything, Mark just sounds sad.

They opt to reminisce and Jeno finally checks his Snapchat.

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ HAPPY BELATED CHRISTMAS HARRY _

**_jeno:_ ** _???? merry christmas to you too??? _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ u really gonna steamroll my reference like that??? did u even get it _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ whatevs it doesn’t matter. u get my xmas gift yet _

**_jeno:_ ** _ if you mean the autograph then no _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ rip me. cant count on u for anything can i  _

Jeno scoffs at his phone, shaking his head. Mark and Jaemin continue to dance around the tension. Jaemin’s eyes burn into Jeno’s head but he doesn’t look up to meet the gaze.

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ anyway, ur friend posted another video _

**_jeno:_ ** _ when??? _

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ deadass like two minutes ago. he was kinda in a hurry _

Jeno’s thumbs halt over the screen and he glances up at Jaemin, who, finally getting Jeno to look back, smiles. Jeno sneaks a look at Mark before smiling back.

“Lucas says Merry Christmas,” he says. Mark laughs. Jaemin’s smile twitches.

“The roommate?” Jaemin asks, even though he already knows.

Mark nods. “Yeah, he’s like, pretty cool.” 

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ [link] u probably dont even need this, i bet u have this place fuckin bookmarked _

**_jeno:_ ** _ mark says hi _

**_YUKHEI_ ** _ is typing… _

Suddenly, YUKHEI is calling. Jeno panics and answers the Snap video call. Lucas waves from his bed. Jeno waves back. He and Mark frame the camera view with Jaemin a step back and in the middle. 

“ _ Yo, whassup _ ,” Lucas greets, voice low and rumbly. 

“Merry Christmas, bro!” Mark says back, all smiles. The call from Lucas serves as a tension breaker and Mark breathes easier. Jaemin, however, stares hard at Lucas’s form in the video. Jeno glances back at him over his shoulder and offers a reassuring smile. In response, Jaemin takes a step closer to him and loops an arm through his. 

“ _ You guys at a Christmas party or somethin’? Shit, didn’t mean to interrupt, _ ” Lucas blurts, laughs. Mark laughs back and brushes it off. 

“Nah, it’s totally fine. We weren’t doing anything. Oh,” Mark throws up a hand, gestures at Jaemin. “This is Jaemin! We were friends in high school.” 

Jaemin forces a smile and waves with his free hand. “Hey, nice to meet you.” 

“ _ Hey! Nice to finally see you, I’ve heard about you from Jeno. _ ” 

“Only good things I hope,” Jaemin jokes. Mark shoots a glance over at Jeno. Jeno stares straight ahead at the screen. He can see Jaemin grinning and it makes him warm inside.

_ “You go to school in Cali, right?”  _

A nod. “Yeah, you been?” 

Lucas grins wider. “ _ I live in Vegas so yeah. My family used to vacation there all the time.” _

“Hey, nice. I’ve been meaning to get over to Vegas sometime.”

“ _ For sure. Hit me up, you could probably stay at my place.” _

Jeno, for some reason, dislikes this sentiment. He tries not to let it show on his face. Lucas is probably just being  _ Lucas  _ and fucking with him a bit, but Jeno’s suddenly nervous that Lucas is going to fly too close to the sun and ruin Jeno’s whole plan. 

Jaemin, on the other hand, perceives this to be interest, and--once again, most likely fucking with Jeno-- dials it up. “Oh? Yeah, I’d like that a lot, I think.” 

Mark, poor Mark, fourth-wheeling Mark, laughs nervously. “You’ve never invited us out there, bro.”

“ _ Fuck yeah I have, you always just say no ‘cause you’re scared to be around people who know how to party. I told you about that time in high school when Yangyang and I skipped school to go get high in Red Rock Canyon and you just about shit your pants!”  _ Lucas balks, suddenly up, jabbing a finger toward the camera accusingly. 

“We just have like, different values!” Mark shoots back, suddenly on the defense.

Jaemin forces out that fake deep laugh and pats Mark’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Mark, you’ll get there one day.”

Lucas shrugs on-screen.  _ “Sure, whatever. It’s not a big deal. It’s nice to finally talk to someone who’s not a fucking virgin though. Can’t do anything with these two.”  _

Thank God they moved into the hallway to talk because the response that statement gets is messy at best. Jeno offers an awkward, albeit confused smile. Mark blubbers out some excuse about religion and “I’m doing fine, okay?” right as Jaemin blinks, glances at Jeno, blurts “Jeno’s not--” 

Jeno makes eye contact with Lucas through the phone and laughs too loud. “Bye, Lucas,” he says, promptly hanging up the call. Immediately, Lucas begins to type. Jeno pockets the phone. Mark frowns, embarrassed. 

“I’m gonna go say hi to… yeah,” Mark stumbles over his words, avoids eye contact. Jeno can’t be sure he heard what Jaemin was about to say but he’s sure Mark’s temperament has more to do with Lucas’s abrupt roast. The oldest ducks out of their conversation and shuffles back into the living room where the rest of the party is.

Jaemin regards the wall in front of them for a moment before glancing at Jeno. 

“Sorry,” is all he says.

Jeno frowns. Shakes his head. 

“It’s fine. I don’t really care if Lucas knows.” 

Another moment passes between them and Jaemin clears his throat. “I’ve had enough of this party, I think. I’m going to go chill upstairs. You’re welcome to join if you want, but you don’t have to.” He takes a step backward, eyes glued to Jeno’s form. There’s weight. 

Jeno nods and follows. Jaemin, from the look on his face, is immensely pleased.

*

They decide to chill on the floor of Jaemin’s room and eat straight out of the bag of M&M’s that Jaemin stole from downstairs. Jaemin’s bed is messy but the clothes have found their way back into his closet, apart from the one long red-sweater that Jeno’s currently using as a headrest. Jaemin’s using his chest as a pillow and skimming a comic on his phone. 

Jeno combs his hand through Jaemin’s hair like he was made for it and Jaemin sighs, content. Shifts. He finishes his chapter and drops the phone on the carpeted floor. 

“I’m bored.”

Huffing, Jeno finishes chewing before answering. “There’s a party downstairs.”

“That’s not really a party. That’s an excuse for people from the church to come over and gossip about each other while they’re all standing in the same room. They’re all laughs and fake smiles until someone starts poking at the wrong topic. I hate it. I hate them.”

Jeno thinks about poor Mark and happy-go-lucky Jaehyun.

“I don’t hate you, though. I could never hate you. You’re special, Jen. You make me feel things I don’t understand.”

_ I think I might love you, Jeno. _

Jeno forces the echo from his mind, focuses on this Jaemin rather than the old. 

“You make me feel warm. Loved. Like home.”

He’s not sure if it’s the chocolate or not, but his mouth runs dry, his hands restless. The fingers threading through Jaemin’s hair tense and scratch at the scalp. Jaemin sighs, a soft moan escaping his lips. Jeno’s aflame.

“I can’t believe I ever left you behind. I just-- I couldn’t do it, not then. I couldn’t think about  _ here.  _ I needed to find that part of myself I was missing. I thought California would let me be who I needed to be.” A pause. “I think that part I was missing was you.”

Heat, heat, heat. Jeno reached blindly for the M&M’s, stare boring into the ceiling.

“I’m my best self when I’m with you. I’m  _ myself  _ when I’m with you. Just you. You’re all I need, Jeno.”

It’s too much, but it’s not enough. The heavy chocolate on his tongue suffocates him. 

Jeno knows, knows the dark and brewing thoughts at the back of his mind, but Jaemin’s words still ring something sour. If Jeno’s all he needs, then why does Jaemin plan to leave him again, just like that? Why would he say something like this, only to leave Jeno floundering, grasping at thin air, at an empty heart, just like he did at the end of senior year?

_ It’s because Jaemin uses people, and you happen to be his favorite to use, Jen. _

Renjun’s voice rings loud and clear at the back of Jeno’s mind, abrupt. They’d had this conversation only once before, right after graduation and before Renjun left for his own college up in Massachusetts. Renjun had always had some stick up his ass about Jaemin. Jeno never quite understood why until that moment.

_ You let him walk right all over you, you know? He can do anything to you and you wouldn’t even flinch. I bet if he’d told you to jump off a cliff you would have. _

_ No,  _ Jeno remembers himself saying, but the conviction in his voice was lacking. He knew the truth. Jeno was a slave to Jaemin and he always would be.

Well.

Jeno finds himself in a strangely fascinating predicament. 

“I’m yours, Jaem. You know that.” The smile comes too easy. Jaemin pushes off of Jeno’s chest and looks down at him, eyes wide. Hopeful. The emotion on Jaemin’s face is genuine and it takes Jeno by surprise, only for a moment.

“I--” Jaemin resituates. Jeno sits up to face him head-on. “I don’t think I deserve you, Jeno.”

The smiles grows. Jeno hums. “I think I love you, too.” 

Their kiss tastes like chocolate and years lost. Jaemin moans into it and reaches for Jeno, and Jeno feels eighteen again, only this time, he  _ knows.  _

They will be okay.

~*~

It’s a Saturday during the spring of their senior year at high school. Jaemin’s parents are out of town on a business trip. He’s spending the weekend at Jeno’s house until his parents come home because he doesn’t want to be alone.

They’re at the back of the old ice cream shop by themselves. It’s packed. Jeno focuses on Jaemin’s scrutinization of his chocolate ice cream rather than the hustle and bustle behind him. Their friend group hasn’t been back here since the fight between Mark and Haechan. Jeno can’t read the energy brewing between them.

“--and I figured that was a lie, right? I mean, there’s no way it could be true. Everything that comes out of her mouth is false. She’s programmed for fallacy. So I told her what I thought, you know, that she’s wrong, but she just started screaming at me and crying and I didn’t know what to do so I left.”

Jeno blinks and nods. His mind’s a little muddled, and Jaemin’s words are mashing together. He can’t remember what Jaemin is talking about, except that it has something to do with a girl in their language class. In between his sentences, Jaemin works at his ice cream. Jeno’s entirely too distracted by the movement.

Sighing, Jaemin regards the horde of students and soccer players on the other side of the shop. “I swear, you’re the only one who gets me, Jeno.”

Jeno doesn’t respond, mind too far away to hear Jaemin’s words.

Jaemin’s brows pull together and his lips curl into a mischievous smile. He drags his tongue up the ice cream, slow and steady. Jeno’s mind is in the gutter.

“Jeno.” 

“Hm?” He jerks, blinks, meets Jaemin’s gaze. 

  
  
Amused, Jaemin laughs at him. “Hey, Jeno,” Jaemin says, suddenly switching gears. “Do you ever wonder about certain things?”

Vague. Jeno makes a face. “Certain things?”

“Yeah,” Jaemin nods. “Like sex.”

Jeno nearly drops his ice cream. He fumbles a bit, head whipping around and eyes scanning for eavesdroppers. His face flushes red and his throat dries. Taken aback, he gapes at Jaemin and lowers his voice. “Jaemin!” It’s a desperate whisper-hiss. 

Yet Jaemin’s still laughing. “Relax, Jen. It’s just a question.”

“No, I don’t think about it,” Jeno blurts, lying through his teeth. “Not at all. We’re not supposed to.”

“Yeah, whatever. Technically, nobody said you couldn’t  _ think  _ about it. You just can’t do it.” 

“But still,” Jeno persists.

“So you don’t?” Jaemin pushes back. He’s staring at Jeno, tongue working at that stupid cone of ice cream, and it’s making Jeno feel uncomfortably warm. “Not at all?”

Casting his gaze away, Jeno forces out a response. “No.”

Jaemin hums. Says, “I do.”

Jeno doesn’t know how to feel about the turn in conversation but he strangely feels like they should be at home, staring up at Jeno’s bedroom ceiling in the dark after watching Netflix. These types of things should be late-night confessions and late-night confessions alone. They shouldn’t be talking about this out in public at an ice cream shop surrounded by sweaty preteens and parents.

“It got to me the other day. I was thinking about it and I realized that I didn’t know much about anything, so I did some research. Now I can’t stop. It’s becoming a problem.” Jaemin laughs, light and easy, and Jeno wants to melt into the floor.

“Jaemin, you--”

“Hush, Jen. If you’re just going to chastise me, I’m not interested. I know what the religion says about all that. I was just curious, that’s all.” Jaemin sighs again, all dramatic. His ice cream is starting to melt. “Aren’t you at all curious?”

The heat that rushes to Jeno’s face tells Jaemin all he needs to know.

“So you do,” Jaemin teases. “Naughty boy. And you were ready to lie about it, weren’t you?”

Jeno coughs, shooting a glare at Jaemin. 

“Wouldn’t you like to know what it feels like?”

“You ask me like you know,” Jeno shoots back. “Research doesn’t make you an expert, Jaem.”

“I did more than  _ just  _ research, Jen. Like I said, I can’t stop. Seeing that sort of stuff consistently, it does things to a person,” Jaemin explains. He finishes off his ice cream cone by shoving the last of his cone in his mouth. It temporarily breaks the spell, but Jeno’s mind is swimming with possibilities he wasn’t ready to imagine. Jeno nearly jumps when Jaemin reaches forward and grabs the remainder of Jeno’s own abandoned cone. He picks up where Jeno left off effortlessly and Jeno’s too worked up to be bothered by the theft.

They sit in silence for a few minutes too long until Jaemin’s finished off the rest of Jeno’s cone. Abruptly, Jaemin stands. 

“Hey, Jeno.”

Jeno swallows and looks up, meeting Jaemin’s eyes. He should expect what comes out of Jaemin’s mouth next, but the words still take him by surprise.

“Let’s go to my place for a bit. There’s something I want to show you.”

Jeno  _ knows  _ what the invitation means. Jeno  _ knows  _ he should say no.  _ Knows  _ he should tell Jaemin to get over himself, that Jeno’s not about that, that their religion says they can’t do that sort of thing. Especially not when it’s between two men.

But Jeno, oh Jeno, the fool he is. He finds himself nodding, a silent approval of the proposition, and Jaemin’s smile curls into something dark. They hurry out of the ice cream shop and get into Jeno’s car. The drive can’t be long enough.

When they get to Jaemin’s house, Jaemin leads him up the stairs to his bedroom. He locks the door behind them even though nobody’s home and sits Jeno on the edge of his bed. Jeno’s shaking with anticipation and fear and arousal and  _ oh my gosh, you’re doing this with Jaemin. _

A little voice at the back of his head reminds Jeno that  _ hey, this is wrong, get up, get out, you need to leave. God is watching, and you’re going to be punished. Your parents will find out. Everyone will be able to tell _ \--

Then Jaemin sits on his lap. Kisses him all messy and shoves a hand in Jeno’s pants.

In place of the little voice, Jeno’s mind is full of  _ Jaemin. _

*

That night plagued Jeno for months.

All summer, after Jaemin left, Jeno could hardly keep it together. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way  _ Jaemin _ \-- Jaemin, his best friend, the kid down the street that his parents told him to invite over after he moved to town-- made him feel. Couldn’t stop thinking about the way Jaemin moved against him, touched him. 

He wanted it. He wanted it all so bad. But he couldn’t have it, because Jaemin was gone, and his religion said he wasn’t supposed to.

Honestly, if all Jeno got was a makeout session and a messy handjob, he probably could have brushed it off. Swept it under the rug like a nasty nightmare. He could’ve carried on with his life normally. Everything would have been fine.

However.

It seemed as though once Jaemin got his permission, he worked Jeno like his own personal toy. Jaemin couldn’t keep his hands off him. Jeno, as a virgin with absolutely no experience, fumbled his way through reciprocating. It was messy. It was a little awkward. But somehow, for some reason, by the end of the night, Jaemin had ridden him and made him come three times.

Jeno spent the following weeks feeling dirty and used. He kept his mouth shut about that night, even when it was just the two of them. Jaemin must’ve gotten the message because he kept his distance, kept things purely platonic. He treated Jeno like he always had: a friend.

  
And Jeno was torn, because he didn’t want to be just Jaemin’s friend anymore. But he couldn’t give Jaemin all of what he wanted. Not yet.

Then, graduation.

Admittedly, Jeno hit his low point in August before he left for BYU. It was pathetic the way he yearned for someone who clearly didn’t need him in the way he needed them. Jeno  _ needed  _ Jaemin. He couldn’t imagine life without him. Didn’t want to.

Luckily, before Jeno could attempt anything particularly dangerous, freshman year of college started and he remembered how to breathe. BYU served as a distraction. Mark and Lucas quickly became some of his best friends. When Jeno came home, he’d immerse himself in the church, in community service, in spending time with the people who bothered to stick around. And for a while, it worked. 

Now, Jaemin’s back.

  
  
Jeno’s not letting him get away this time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the second half to celebrate the dream comeback lmao
> 
> (also, heads up, i've never actually been inside of a mormon church, but i've been inside of catholic churches, so i used them as reference instead)

It’s been two days since Jeno’s parents left for the long-awaited ski trip and he’s spent both of those beautiful days in bed. He’s only gotten up to piss and to eat. And let Jaemin in. 

Jaemin came over the first day on a whim because he was bored and wanted to play on Jeno’s Playstation. They didn’t talk much about the Christmas party. Maybe they made out a little on Jeno’s bed. Mostly, Jeno just watched Jaemin scream at the NPCs in _Spiderman._

Jeno wakes up on day three to a text from his mom.

**_mom:_ ** _Good morning sweetie! Hope all is going well. When you get a chance today, could you stop by the church? Rebecca left the confirmation for our dinner reservation in the office. Thank you! (heart emoji)_

He reads it over twice before pushing himself out of bed and trudging over to the bathroom for a shower. In the shower, he thinks about Jaemin. After the shower, Jeno sends a direct message to Lucas.

**_jeno:_ ** _stay off of jaemin’s page today_

No response. Jeno picks out a pair of white jeans, an old t-shirt, and a BYU hoodie. He takes time to dry and comb through his hair. Then, he texts Jaemin.

**_jeno:_ ** _jaemin-nah, my mom’s making me go to the church to find some piece of paper, come with me please!!!!!_

Jaemin, unlike Lucas, responds immediately.

**_jaemin-nah:_ ** _yes yes! give me ten minutes, i’ll be ready <3 <3 <3 _

Jeno uses those ten minutes to grab the portable tripod from his dad’s study, his shoes, and his phone charger. He makes it to Jaemin’s house a minute early and waits for the other to shuffle outside.

Jaemin, as per usual, looks breathtaking. He’s got in his piercings and he’s wearing a bomber jacket that Jeno hasn’t seen before and it just looks _right._ Jaemin smiles and waves at him as he locks the front door. 

When Jaemin gets into the car, he leans over the console and pulls Jeno into a kiss. Jeno smiles into it and Jaemin pulls away, all happy and bright and beautiful.

“Hey,” he greets.

“You’re too excited about a trip to church,” Jeno jokes. He switches the gear into reverse and pulls out of the driveway, mentally routing them to their destination. 

Jaemin shrugs. “I just like spending time with you.”

There’s truth to his words and Jeno sneaks a glance over at the younger. Jaemin’s gnawing on his bottom lip and Jeno frowns. “Everything okay?” he asks.

A nod. Jaemin stares straight ahead, hands fidgeting in his lap. “Yeah, I’m fine. Better than fine, really. I’m glad you texted me.”

“It’s a trip to the church, Jaem.”

“Yeah, I know that,” Jaemin laughs softly. “This just feels like the sort of shit we used to do, that’s all. I’m just--” a pause, a quick glance at Jeno, a change in topic. “So, what are we looking for?”

Jeno hums and breezes past Jaemin’s diversion. “Some confirmation thing. I don’t know. My mom said it’s in the office. It’s for their dinner reservations.”

“Oh right. I think I heard my mom talk about this. It’s the fancy one, right?”

“Probably, I don’t know. I’m still mad I wasn’t invited.”

Jaemin snorts. “You’d be bored out of your mind.”

“Would not. Skiing is fun.”

“Jeno, I went with your family junior year to that lodge up in Canada. You can’t ski for shit!”

Gaping, Jeno shoots an accusatory glare toward Jaemin. “Can too!”

“No, you can’t! You fell like, five times. All in one go. Then you spent the rest of the day moping and I went with you back to the lodge so your parents could finish skiing,” Jaemin counters, back against the window so he can call Jeno out straight on. “You wouldn’t even go with me to get hot cocoa ‘cause you were too embarrassed.”

It’s a blow to his ego, admittedly, and Jeno tries not to let the unwarranted memories sink his boat. “Well, that was five years ago. I can ski now.”

  
“Sure you can,” Jaemin jests. 

*

Luckily for them, Jeno’s parents are on the list of people the clergy trusts with a copy of the key, so they have no issue getting in through the side door. Jeno flicks on the lights to the office and to the large hall where the pews are. Jaemin wanders down the hallway toward the office without being prompted and Jeno takes this opportunity to go set up.

“Hey, wait, Jaem, swap phones with me. If you see the paper, send a picture to my mom, okay?” Jeno prompts. Jaemin hurries back over and nods, grabbing Jeno’s phone from his pocket and replacing it with his own. 

With a salute, Jaemin turns back around and starts for the office. “I’ll be right out.”

Jeno waits for a moment before entering the main hall. He takes a moment to give the place a once-over. 

Usually, the church is filled to the brim with churchgoers and clergy. When service is not in session, there’s usually at least a few members of the clergy lingering to tend to the building. Today, it’s completely empty aside from the two of them. 

They are, overall, completely and utterly alone.

Pep in his step, Jeno approaches the front row of pews and props up the tripod. He’s got Jaemin’s phone angled toward the altar, camera app open. When Jaemin returns, Jeno’s in the midst of hitting “record.”

“I texted your mom a picture of the confirmation and she says thanks. Also, your roommate Lucas keeps texting you? Jen-- wait, where are you?”

“Over here,” Jeno calls back, voice echoing. Jaemin strolls over from the hall to the back rooms, man on a mission, until he registers what Jeno’s doing. His steps slow to a gradual stop and he watches Jeno fidget with the tripod one last time. 

Jeno turns to face him and Jaemin’s brows are pulled together. “What are you doing?”

“ _We_ are filming,” Jeno replies, blunt. The confusion creasing Jaemin’s forehead refuses to ease. 

“Filming what?”

“For your channel.” The words are followed by silence. Jeno doesn’t look back at Jaemin, instead choosing to squat down so he meets the camera at eye level. He smiles and introduces himself. “Hello! I am Jaemin’s friend, Jeno. I hope you don’t mind I’ll be joining Jaemin-nah’s video today.” 

“Jeno, what the fuck are you doing.”

Jeno turns to face Jaemin, still on the ground. Jaemin’s face is white as a sheet and something unreadable boils in his eyes. He looks a bit like he’s about to run.

“I set up the camera so we can record. You haven’t uploaded yet today, have you?” Jeno asks, standing up and approaching Jaemin. Jaemin takes a step back with Jeno’s every step forward. So Jeno stops and frowns. “Do you not want to?”

Jaemin blinks a few times. Swallows. His voice is low and tentative when he speaks. 

“You know.”

“Yeah, I do.”

Brows pulling forward once again, Jaemin’s face hardens and he looks Jeno in the eye. “How?”

“Lucas recognized you from a selfie.”

Jaemin nods, slow, calculating. “Huh,” he says after a moment, eyes flickering over to the camera. “I’m honestly disappointed you didn’t find me on your own.”

“Was I supposed to?” Jaemin’s reaction isn’t quite what Jeno anticipated, but he much prefers this over Jaemin running away. Not that Jaemin would. He’s too reliant on Jeno’s attention to stray far. 

Shrugging, Jaemin closes the distance between them, tugging off his jacket in the process. “Dunno. I wasn’t exactly hiding.” The jacket ends up abandoned on the floor. Jeno takes advantage of the remaining space to tug off his hoodie. 

“You wanted me to find you.”

Another shrug. Jaemin inches even closer, pushes his fingers up underneath the hem of Jeno’s shirt. They’re cold against Jeno’s skin and his muscles tense. “Yeah, a little.”

“You wanted _me,”_ Jeno pushes even further. “I heard you say my name.”

Jaemin withdraws one hand to tangle in Jeno’s hair. The other continues traveling up his chest. “Of course I do,” Jaemin reveals, sending tendrils of _heat heat heat_ shooting through Jeno’s body. “I only ever wanted you.”

Jeno’s voice is a whisper next, too low for the camera to hear. “Why didn’t you just say so?”

“Oh, Jeno,” Jaemin says, repeating that very sentiment from graduation, making Jeno feel all dumb and foolish once again. “You weren’t ready to hear it.”

He’s right, but he doesn’t need to say it. All it does is make Jeno angry. 

“We’ll talk about this more later,” Jeno mutters. When Jaemin nods in understanding, pulls his hands away, Jeno pushes him in the direction of the altar. Jaemin stumbles over his feet a bit but straightens up and glances behind him, jerks his head at the altar in question. 

Jeno shakes his head. “Strip first.”

Jaemin huffs, “Kinky.” He does as told, starting with his shoes. There’s a bit of an awkward lull as Jeno waits for Jaemin to perform surgery on his high tops. Jaemin, too, is impatient, if his remark of “fuck, Jen, why the church?” is anything to go by. 

“You’re already sinning, why not make it official?”

Balking, Jaemin angles himself to face Jeno as he’s undoing his belt. He jabs a finger in Jeno’s direction. “You, too, my friend, are sinning. Besides, I gave up God long ago. Isn’t this blasphemous to you?”

“I don’t really give a shit anymore,” Jeno admits, and it’s the truth, despite it being news to him, too. He halts at the words, makes a mental note to revisit them along with his conversation with Jaemin, and puts them on pause. Jaemin’s standing in a pair of black boxers and a stylish red t-shirt, the rest of his clothes in a messy heap. 

“I suppose I’ll be asking you about that again later, too,” Jaemin jokes, gaze heavy. He points at the camera. “You might want to bring that closer if we’re fucking over here.”

Jeno huffs, faux irritated, and picks up the tripod. “Fine then, expert, what angle do you want?”

“Give it,” Jaemin says, hand out. “And take your shirt off. I wanna touch you.” 

Jeno, a slave to Jaemin, obeys. Once the tripod’s set up, Jaemin hops up onto the altar and beckons Jeno over. Runs his fingers up and down Jeno’s chest.

“So what’s the plan, bad boy? Since this is your idea,” Jaemin teases. He pulls Jeno closer, between his knees. 

“I’m going to fuck you.” 

Jaemin’s gaze darkens as his mouth curls into a knowing smile. “Then what are you waiting for?”

~*~

Stepping outside cuts through the haze. They’re quiet. It had started snowing while they were inside, and it muffled the world around them. Jeno unlocks the car and the two of them slide in, soft breaths steaming the air until the heater kicks in.

It’s too hot.

“So,” Jaemin tries, tentative, voice hoarse. His eyes bore into Jeno’s soul. 

“So,” Jeno repeats.

“Seems like you have things to tell me, Je- _no.”_ The words spill out in a velvety purr. Intrigued. Analytical. Hesitant. He’s too much and not enough all at once. 

Jeno glances at Jaemin for a fleeting moment. “You too, Jaemin-nah.”

Neither of them speak for a moment. Jeno’s a bit distracted, mind hazy with the recent events, itching in his own skin. He’s jittery, but he knows he needs to calm down. That they need to talk, and it’s important that they do.

Jaemin sighs softly. “I don’t know how to act around you.” 

“Act like yourself,” Jeno shoots back.

“I don’t know what you want me to be.” 

“Be you.” 

Another sigh, and Jaemin shakes his head. “It’s not that easy. I’ve forgotten who I am.”

“Bullshit,” Jeno says. 

“Let me reiterate,” Jaemin tries again, slightly exasperated. “I know how to be me around you, but I still feel like you expect me to be someone else. Someone more like the me from three years ago.” He shoots Jeno a look, half-expecting an interruption. When Jeno remains silent, Jaemin continues. 

“I was a piece of shit to you, I know that now. I was even worse with the others. High school, for me, was just a fucking power trip. You’d do anything I asked and it was getting to my head. And now-- it’s like you’re waiting for me to do it again.”

Jeno blinked. “Aren’t you?” 

Stillness. Jaemin’s eyes flutter and he swallows. “Only because you want me to.” 

Well, fair point. Jeno shifts in his seat and shifts his gaze to the window, tracing the intricate detailing of the church architecture.

“And then you go and pull shit like this.” 

The heat’s replaced by icy cold and Jeno’s two heartbeats away from launching himself out of the car. “Did you--”

“I wanted it,” Jaemin says, quick, like he can read Jeno’s mind. His eyes are wide, too, and he’s shifted in his seat so he can face Jeno straight on. “I wanted it, so bad. That’s not-- that’s not what I meant.”

Relief, albeit minimal. Jeno exhales and nods.

“I used to be able to read you so well. I could tell what you wanted, what you wouldn’t ask for. I knew how you felt about me. I admit, I used it to my advantage, but it didn’t mean that I didn’t feel for you too. Now, though. You’re different.”

“We’re both different, Jaem.” 

“I thought moving away would keep me safe from all of this. I thought you’d forget about me and move on to someone healthy and deserving. Someone who wouldn’t use you,” Jaemin says, voice steady but small. “All moving away did was let you figure me out. And now you have the upper hand, and I’m not used to that.” 

Jaemin’s honesty is a bit shocking but Jeno drinks it in like a parched man stumbling across an oasis in a desert. Jaemin’s never been this outright with his thoughts, and it’s refreshing to have the barrier separating them out of the way.

“When I first saw you over break, you looked exactly as you did at graduation. Older, but the same. And you just, you acted like things were the same, but not. Sometimes I’d feel like I was talking to senior Jeno all over again, and other times you felt so far away from me that I hated it. I don’t like feeling so distant from you. I--” Jaemin cuts himself off and he sucks in a breath. “Do you remember what I told you after that night?” 

That night. That night at the ice cream parlor with just the two of them, sitting in the back, licking ice cream and talking about sex. That night, where they went to Jaemin’s empty house and defied the morals of their strict religion without a care in the world. 

_I think I might love you, Jeno._

“Yeah.” 

“That night did things to me. I saw a side of myself I tried to hide, and all you had to do was say yes and that side of me was right there. Raw and honest. You’ve always done that to me. You play along with my game until I push too far and I break the rules myself. Like now.” 

Jeno frowns. “This isn’t part of your game, Jaemin.”

Jaemin looks like he’d like to disagree, but he keeps his mouth shut, jaw clamped tight. 

“It’s not just _your_ game anymore,” Jeno insists. His hands come up to play at the smoothness of the steering wheel, thumbing at the seam. “This isn’t high school. I knew what I was doing, and I chose to do it. Even in high school, I would’ve done whatever you wanted, anyway.”

It seems like it’s Jeno’s turn, now, for Jaemin remains quiet, hands fidgeting in his lap.

“You were right, back in the church.” As to which, the religion or the jab at Jeno’s past self, he doesn’t specify. “You’ve always been right.” The truth to that statement burns heavy in Jeno’s gut as he remembers instances in the past in which Jaemin understood him better than he understood himself. That’s how it’s been, how it will always be. Now, apparently, Jeno can say the same about Jaemin.

Instead of coming clean as Jaemin did, Jeno shifts gears and brushes aside the past. “I don’t want to live a future without you in it.” 

Jaemin’s head whips around to stare at him. “Jeno.” 

“The summer after you moved, I did some bad things.” 

_“Jeno.”_

He doesn’t embellish, refuses to embellish. What happened that summer, he has sworn to take silently to the grave. 

“I would never forget about you, Jaemin. Never. I belong to you, remember?” 

He remembers standing in the school bathroom after a movie-day in class trying to interpret the smudged pen. He blocked out the words because everything hurt after Jaemin moved away but suddenly they’re as clear as day, a branding. They’re burned into his skin for forever. 

Jaemin continues to stare at him with glossy eyes and reddened cheeks. 

“But Jaemin-nah, it’s not _your_ game anymore. It’s mine too. If I belong to you, it’s only fair that you belong to me, right?”

Wordlessly, Jaemin nods. He reaches over and takes Jeno’s hand off the steering wheel and laces their figures together, squeezing.

_What are we?_

Cursed, maybe.

“There’s one more thing, Jeno.” 

Jeno can hardly hear the words over his thundering heart. 

“For Christmas this year, my parents gave me some money and a one-way ticket to Hawaii. They’re disowning me.” A beat. Jaemin’s voice cracks. “I said that that was fine as long as they bought a ticket for you, too.” 

It’s cold again.

“It-- you don’t have to come with. But you can. If you want. Just, think about it.”

~*~

They drive back to Jeno’s house and stay there.

Time passes slowly, dreamily. Undisturbed, they make up for lost time. Jeno’s phone is buzzing like crazy with texts from Lucas but he doesn’t hear them, too absorbed in _Jaemin._

Two days pass like this. Jaemin never leaves. The sun rises and sets and rises again and none of it matters, because they’re finally back to orbiting each other. Jeno sleeps in intervals, Jaemin tucked into his side, and when they both wake, well. 

Heavy emphasis on make up for lost time.

The evening of day two, Mark texts Jeno. 

**_mark lee:_ ** _you still comin to the reunion tomorrow?_

Right. 

“You’re coming with me to the reunion tomorrow,” Jeno says. It’s not a question, but Jaemin nods anyway. They’re sitting on the couch watching some sitcom on Netflix that Jeno long lost interest in. Jaemin’s pressed against him, idly playing games on his phone.

“Right. Where is it?” 

“The mall food court.” 

Jaemin pulls back enough to look Jeno in the eye. “Really? That’s kinda lame.” 

Shrugging, Jeno types up a reply to Mark. “Yeah, I don’t know. I didn’t plan it.” 

“At least it’ll be interesting.” 

**_jeno:_ ** _i’ll be there!!!!_

*

They get to the mall fifteen minutes early but arrive at the designated meeting table-- the one in front of Auntie Anne’s-- nearly ten minutes late. It’s entirely Jaemin’s fault.

“Do we really have to?” Jaemin had asked, all cute and mopey, right as Jeno parked the car.

“Yeah, Jaem, we do.” 

Jaemin dropped the act like a dead fly. “Fine.” He watched Jeno unbuckle his seatbelt and start to turn off the radio. Before he could pull out the key from the ignition, Jaemin reached over and took his hand. Tugged him forward over the console and tapped Jeno’s cheek with his free hand.

“Kiss for good luck?” 

One kiss turned into two, two into three, and soon Jaemin’s tongue was in Jeno’s mouth and Jeno lost track of time.

Inside the mall, they walk side by side, cool and collected. The mall is surprisingly quiet for winter break-- it’s one of the few places to hang out in town-- and Jeno hears Haechan before he sees him.

“--I swear Huang Renjun if you try to steal one more of my pretzel bites I’ll-- oh, hey, Jeno!” 

Haechan spots him as they round the corner and his eyes widen as he identifies Jaemin at his side. “J-Jaemin?”

Jeno catches Mark and Renjun share a look and he chooses to ignore it. Jaemin must as well because he stiffens beside Jeno, only for a moment, before loosening up and cracking a grin.

“Hey,” Jaemin greets, slipping into the open chair between Haechan and Jisung. Jeno drags over a chair from an unoccupied table and crams in beside him. The table falls into a strange, almost awed silence and Jaemin huffs a laugh. “It’s been a minute.” 

“Yeah, bitch, it has,” Haechan retorts, jabbing a finger in Jaemin’s direction. “What the hell happened to you?” 

Jaemin spews some half-assed nonsense that none of them buy, but no one will press him on. “Life happened, that’s what. What about you, huh? I’ve seen those Snap stories. You’re into some weird shit, Dong _hyuck.”_

Haechan doesn’t like being called by his real name much. He bristles, and for a moment, things feel normal. The two banter in semi-good nature and Chenle laughs at them. Mark stares at Jeno for too long and Jeno avoids the gaze, ignores the way Renjun’s twisted expression makes him feel.

Under the table, Jaemin links his ankle with Jeno’s. 

The whole interaction feels like a strange pocket of time. Just moments before Jaemin and Jeno showed up, the group of friends had been catching up and talking about college. They pick back up once the banter dies out, leaving heads to turn back to Jisung.

“So, Michigan,” Renjun prompts.

“Michigan _State,”_ Jisung corrects. “It’s good. I like my classes.” His hands fidget in his lap as he thinks of what else to say. “My roommate and I hang out a lot. We’re both kinda quiet so we spend most of our time in the dorm playing video games and stuff.” 

Mark nods along, smiling proudly at the youngest. “What’s his name again?” 

“Xiao Dejun, but I just call him Xiaojun. He’s an English major.”

“Right, right,” Mark says. “Do you guys like, go out at all?”

Jisung’s face reddens. “N-Not really, actually. I don’t have an interest in drinking and Xiaojun’s never liked the taste, so it works out. No extra pressure or anything like that.” He laughs a little.

“Hey, respect. The less time you spend with substances, the more time you can spend being productive,” Mark adds. 

“You don’t do any of that and you’re not productive,” Jeno counters, snickering. Renjun huffs a laugh too and Chenle grins, always a fan of impromptu roast sessions. 

Frowning, Mark crosses his arms. “I don’t think you have any room to talk, Jeno. During midterms you had all those exams to prep for, remember? And what did I come home to find you doing? Gaming with Lucas.” 

  
Several people at the table find this hilarious. Jaemin cracks a grin and pats him consolingly on the shoulder. 

“Yeah, whatever,” Jeno grumbles. Jaemin’s hand pats him one last time before sliding down his back, slow and warm. It’s too much and not enough. “At least I passed all my midterms.”  
  
“I _did_ pass all my midterms! It was Lucas who failed one of his, not me!” 

More laughter. Jeno grins in good humor. 

It’s all so bittersweet.

“What about you, Jaemin? How is college treating you?” Renjun’s voice cuts through the mirthful atmosphere and suddenly, tension. Jaemin appears to be the most aware of it as he readjusts in his seat, pushing himself up to sit straight.

“Ah, right,” Jaemin begins, “College. I dropped out.” 

A beat. 

Renjun, disbelieving, repeats, “You dropped out.”

“Yup!” But Jaemin’s smile is wide and bright, gaze dark. “Didn’t feel right, ya know? I still live in Cali, though. I’m just here for the holidays.”

Jisung, beautifully kind and open-minded Jisung, offers a nod of encouragement. The movement eases enough of the tension for Chenle to ask, “Do you work out there?”

The hand on Jeno’s back falls just enough to slip back up, under the fabric of his shirt, to scratch gently at the base of his spine. It takes all Jeno has to offer not to startle at the touch. Beside him, Jaemin nods at Chenle.

“Yeah, I do. Part-time at a bookstore. It’s not great, so I pick up odd jobs to cover the rest.”

Haechan let out a short laugh, expression torn between one of scrutinization and disbelief. “‘Odd jobs’ sounds a bit sketch, Jaem.”

Jaemin shrugs, smirking. “Believe whatever you want, but it pays the bills.”

The hand on his back flattened, lingering. Jeno had been doing fine, honestly, but the longer Jaemin touches him like this, warm and knowing despite the presence of their friends--

“Right,” Renjun says, shooting another glance at Mark. It’s pointed and obvious and Jeno frowns. Chenle catches Jeno’s gaze by accident and quickly changes the topic, bringing up his role as an apprentice in his dad’s company.

It’s a successful tactic. Conversation bubbles and flourishes and Jeno would’ve lost himself in the bittersweet nostalgia of it all had Jaemin’s palm not kept him grounded. Halfway through Haechan’s retelling of some college adventure with his roommate, Jaemin withdraws his hand and leans over to Jeno to whisper.

“Meet me in the bathroom in five minutes.” 

The words ghost across his cheek and just like that, Jaemin’s gone. He leaves his jacket behind and saunters off in the direction of the food court restroom without another word.

Once he’s out of earshot, Renjun speaks up again. “Wow, he’s different.” The remark is dry and unimpressed. Insulting.

“‘Odd jobs?’ Is he a mercenary or something? What does that even mean?” Haechan whisper hisses, shooting looks behind Jeno toward where Jaemin was seen last. 

Mark shrugs. “He’s an ‘odd’ one for sure.”

Five minutes can’t pass fast enough. Discomfort and displeasure run through Jeno’s veins like poison and he pushes back from the table. He grabs Jaemin’s jacket and stands. Five heads turn to look at him.

But he can’t say anything, doesn’t want to say anything. Any possible retort dies in the back of his throat and he wordlessly follows Jaemin’s fading path straight to the bathroom. Their eyes burn into his back the whole trek there.

He catches Renjun say, “He’s always been weird about Jaemin,” and picks up the pace.

*

Jeno storms into the bathroom, preparing to relay everything he’s just heard to Jaemin, but Jaemin cuts him off with a dismissive “I don’t care what they said” and yanks him into the furthest stall.

Jaemin knows him like an old, weathered book. The words on his pages are so well-read that Jaemin recites them and he does so with ease. Jaemin soothes his worries by shoving his tongue in Jeno’s mouth and his hands to fumble with Jeno’s pants. 

“I wanna suck you off,” Jaemin says by way of explanation and all Jeno can do is nod, hot and hazy. They’re in a public bathroom and their high school friends are right _there_ and any one of them can come in but Jeno doesn’t care, could give less of a fuck, because the one thing-- the one _person--_ he does care about is right here, in his space, flooding his brain--

Jaemin drops to his knees and Jeno loses himself.

He’s so lost he doesn’t hear the door open, and he’s so infatuated that he doesn’t care that he didn’t.

~*~

They leave the mall without saying goodbye.

Jaemin takes Jeno’s phone and reads off the notifications on the drive home. His voice is laced with something dark and humored and it makes Jeno’s blood boil.

“Ah, Mark asks where you went, also wants to know if you’re with me. Jisung asks if we got lost. Chenle says sorry-- though I don’t know why, he didn’t do anything wrong-- and another text from Mark saying he’s coming by later-- that’s rather rude, don’t you think? Inviting oneself.” Jaemin scoffs. “There’s nothing from Renjun. Haechan…” he pauses, and instead of reading it off, he sets about typing. After a beat, he adds, “Nevermind.”

“Just leave it,” Jeno says. “I don’t feel like talking to them.”

Jaemin hums and set Jeno’s phone down. Reaches over and tugs Jeno’s free hand into his own. Traces absentminded patterns on his palm.

“Let’s go somewhere,” Jaemin suggests. 

They’re pulling into the neighborhood so Jeno shoots him a strange look. “Right now?”

“Yeah, why not.”

“Where?”

A beat. Jaemin hums again. “Remember the old camping grounds?”

Did Jeno ever. Way back when, during the summer before freshman year, their church hosted a summer camp. Jeno, of course, had to go, as did Mark and Jaemin. Those two weeks were spent sweating in shitty cabins and fighting mosquitoes. 

It’s where Jeno met Jaemin, officially. Jaemin had always been sort of recognizable but he moved to their town in seventh grade while Jeno was dealing with the brunt of puberty full force. He was so awkward he could hardly manage to speak to Mark some days, and poor Mark was even more awkward than him. But that summer camp was the bridge between middle school and high school and Jeno was determined to get his head in the game. 

He and Mark got split into different cabins and that immediately tanked Jeno’s excitement. But then he got bunked with a kid named Jaemin, and the rest was history.

“Yeah,” Jeno replies. “Yeah, I remember.”

*

Unsurprisingly, the old camping grounds are vacant. The once tastefully outdoorsy landscape had overgrown into something untameable and wild. It’s cold, but not cold enough for snow. Jeno steps out of the car and meets his breath in a warm puff.

Jaemin grins at the weed-ridden grass and kicks at some loose gravel.

“They really let this place go, huh?” 

Shrugging, Jeno watches Jaemin continue to scuff his shoes on the ground. The tips of his ears and nose quickly pinken with the chill and Jeno can’t help but stare. “It’s winter,” he says numbly. 

Jaemin snorts. “Hey, hey, do you think the cabins will be open?”

“Doubt it, but we can try.”

The cabins, shoddy structures with poor insulation and dirty windows, look just as Jeno remembers. Jaemin skips over to cabin four and tugs on the door. No luck. Pouting, Jaemin sneaks a glance at Jeno. 

“Jen- _o,”_ Jaemin drawls, mischief lacing his features. “Help me get in.” He’s using _that_ tone of voice, the one that doomed Jeno all throughout high school, and hearing it sends shivers down his spine. Obedient, Jeno strolls over, amused.

“I don’t have lockpicks, Jaem.”

But Jaemin’s still got that _look_ on his face. He runs a hand down Jeno’s arm, head cocked. “You’ll figure something out, won’t you? For me?”

Hell, why not. Jeno grins dumbly at Jaemin for a moment before stepping back and scoping the exterior of the cabin. He remembers a window at the back of the cabin that none of them could reach unless they were on poor Sicheng’s top bunk. It was the only salvation during the sweltering summer and too many a night, some shit kid climbed up to get a breath of fresh air and invaded Sicheng’s personal space in the process. 

The window, crusted over with dust and weather, taunts Jeno now for a different reason entirely. The damn thing is just a palm out of reach and Jeno glances around at his surroundings. He finds a large rock a few feet away and kicks it over.

It gives Jeno the advantage he was looking for and he climbs atop the rock (“That’s not a rock, that’s a small boulder-- wait, is that the one that Yuta painted on--” Jaemin’s voice calls out) to look into the dark cabin. Sicheng’s old bed is right under the window and Jeno thinks, if he were to reach in, he might be able to pull himself through the window via the bed frame.

The window opens with a creak and he tries. Jaemin yelps, surprised. 

“Holy shit, Jeno, be careful!”

It takes some unanticipated effort and a burst of adrenaline but Jeno manages it, barely. He crashes upon the bed and gets a burst of dust in his lungs for the effort. It’s not any warmer in the cabin than outside, but the meager structure blocks the brunt of the wind. Jeno coughs, catches his breath, and climbs down from the bed.

And just in time, too. Jaemin pulls himself through the window with a soft grunt and falls face-first where Jeno had just been laying. 

“I would’ve let you in,” Jeno says.

Jaemin pushes himself up and waves a hand. “It’s more fun this way.” He, too, climbs down from the bunk and takes a moment to nod at Jeno. “Okay, right. Over here.”

They walk over to their old bunk. All those years ago, they’d been assigned to share, and Jaemin called dibs on the top bunk before Jeno could get in a word otherwise. By the second night, Jaemin would be hanging upside down from his bunk to whisper to Jeno. He’d get in trouble for it-- Jaemin had a tendency of not being able to calm down by lights out-- but it wouldn’t deter him. Jeno, naive, rule-abiding Jeno, would shrink under the admonishment. His reaction only fueled Jaemin, who continued to tease him.

This light-hearted teasing continued into high school when they met up again. Over time, it grew into something darker, something heavier. Something consuming.

In the present, Jaemin sucks in a deep breath before climbing atop his own bunk. Jeno watches with an absent mind. 

“Hey, look. It’s still here.”

When Jeno strolls over, he finds Jaemin pointing at a spot on the wall and staring at him, grinning. Barely, just barely, Jeno sees a small engraving embedded in the wall. It’s too small for him to interpret so he steps closer, brows furrowed.

A jagged _J + J 4ever_ sits just above the bed frame.

“Oh,” Jeno breaths.

“I’ve been low-key obsessed with you since I was thirteen,” Jaemin gushes. His face is still pink, but Jeno can’t tell if it’s from the cold or the confession. “I never let you up here because I didn’t want you to see it.”

“You’ve got an interesting way of obsessing over someone, Jaemin-nah.”

Jaemin shrugs. “It’s whatever.” He shoots Jeno a look. “I just wanted to see this one last time.”

_Right,_ Jeno thinks. He had almost forgotten.

Their time is limited. 

*

Years ago, during that summer that would change Jeno’s life, he and Jaemin snuck out one night.

It was the second to last night of that dreadful summer camp and Jaemin had finally convinced Jeno to live life on the edge. Granted, Jeno spent the hours leading up to their escapade antsy as hell. Mark made a comment about it at the camp-wide dinner and all Jeno could do was laugh it off and avoid eye contact.

When their camp leader called lights out and left the group of giggling kids in the dark, Jaemin swung his head over the side of the bunk as he had formed a habit of doing and grinned, wild and excited, at Jeno. Jeno, who felt anxiety running fast in his veins. 

“Are you ready?” Jaemin had whispered.

When Jeno nodded, he unknowingly signed a contract that would bound his life to Jaemin indefinitely. 

They waited for another twenty minutes. The still of the night and the shuffling of boys shucking sheets signaled their freedom. As quietly as he could, Jaemin slipped out of bed and gestured for Jeno to follow him.

Coincidentally, they stumbled into Yuta in the center of the room, who stared at them with wide eyes. The older kid jabbed a finger in their direction and frowned. 

“I got out of bed first, and Sicheng’s my best friend--”

Sicheng let out a muffled groan.

“Relax, Nakamoto. That’s not where we’re going,” Jaemin supplied in a calm whisper. Jeno shook beside him, eyes glued to the outline of the door in fear that their cabin leader could burst in at any moment. 

Yuta let out a whistle of relief. “Oh man, that’s great, Sicheng’s bed isn’t really big enough for four people--”

“Goodbye, Yuta,” Jaemin said, grabbing Jeno’s wrist and tugging him in the direction of the door. Yuta clammed up and continued his trek to poor Sicheng’s bed. Sicheng, hearing the commotion, sat up and stared in exasperation down at the bane of his existence. Whatever came next went unseen by Jeno as Jaemin had led the two of them out of the cabin and toward the lake.

Claiming that murky body of water to be a "lake" was pathetic when it really fell short of even being a pond. Yet the "pond" was deep enough for them to swim in and large enough for a group of rowdy kids to splash around in under the heat of the sun. There was a short dock that some of the older kids liked to cannonball off of but Jeno avoided it. It creaked under each step and threatened splinters.

But that’s where Jaemin was guiding him. Jaemin, cool kid Jaemin, who radiated the confidence Jeno wished he had. At the end of the dock, Jaemin kicked off his shoes and stuck his feet in the water. He looked up at Jeno and smiled, gesturing him over. 

Jeno obeyed, plopping down next to the younger, but he refused to take off his shoes. He was still partially convinced one of the camp leaders would find them and he’d have to run.

For what felt like forever, the two of them sat in silence, staring across the pond up at the stars. Jeno didn’t know any constellations. This was probably one of the first times he could actually see the stars, without the light of their town misting the sky over.

“Can you keep a secret?” Jaemin broke the silence. Jeno turned to face him and found Jaemin gazing wide-eyed at the sky.

“I think so,” Jeno replied.

Jaemin laughed softly. He picked up a chip of wood from the dock and chucked it into the water. The impact created a set of mesmerizing ripples. Jeno was so busy watching them that he almost missed what Jaemin said.

“I’m going to run away someday. I’m going to go someplace so far that no one will be able to find me. No parents, no school, no nothing.”

The mere thought of Jeno’s new friend ducking out of his life so soon made something strange drop in his heart. “Nothing?”

“Not a single thing. Just me and freedom.”

“Why?”

Jaemin laughed again like there was a joke that Jeno didn’t quite get. “Just ‘cause.”

But Jeno, anxious at the thought of even being outside at that given moment, started to stress. “But what about your parents, and your friends--”

“Jeno,” Jaemin interrupted, still smiling. “It’s just a dream, okay? I wouldn’t leave you.”

The words sated that emptiness Jeno had started to feel, but he didn’t understand why they did, so he tried to cover his awkwardness with an even more awkward laugh.

“Yeah, whatever,” he had said. 

*

Even then, not even a week into knowing each other, Jaemin understood him better than anyone ever could.

~*~

The ski trip ends in what feels like the blink of an eye. One morning, Jeno wakes up with Jaemin’s hair in his face, and four hours later, Jaemin’s gone and Jeno’s parents are walking through the garage door, loaded with luggage and ski gear.

He feels hollow. Jaemin’s down the street but his presence feels distant, absent. 

When Jaemin made to leave that morning, he paused in the foyer and handed Jeno an envelope. He had schooled his expression into something nonchalant but his gaze was heavy and hesitant.

“It’s… it’s the plane ticket. You can just-- don’t feel any pressure, okay? I just wanted to give you the option. I know it’s a lot to ask.”

And then Jaemin was gone.

In his place, Jeno’s parents flit about the house like caged birds. They poke around and tease him about parties he didn’t have. They’re glad to be home, Jeno can tell, and Jeno’s mom quickly abandons her unpacking efforts to start thinking up a brilliant home-cooked meal. 

Over dinner, his parents tell him all about their trip, about the parent gossip, about Jeno’s dad tripping over his skis. Conversation is warm and familial and Jeno smiles through it but his mind is elsewhere, consumed by “what-ifs” and the possibilities of his future.

Halfway into whatever movie Jeno’s dad picked for them to watch, Jeno sends a text.

~*~

**_YUKHEI_ ** _is typing…_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ok so fuck u_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _wtf happened to u??? u die or something??_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _i’ve had to talk to mark about u and like, not cool man. can’t complain to mark about his stupid style decisions to his face_

**_jeno:_ ** _sorry ive been busy_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _ya ya whatever. mark told me he went to ur house the other day and u like, didn’t answer, so bro, what’s up?? are you good for real_

**_jeno:_ ** _ya i’m fine, i wasn’t home when he came by_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _but u knew he was going to ur place???_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _u been real dodgy, this have anything to do w/ jaemin??_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _also, uh, speaking of_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _i have some real questions jeno_

Jeno heaves a sigh and rolls over in bed. It’s late. He hasn’t seen Jaemin in three days.

Winter break is almost over.

**_jeno:_ ** _shit_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _yeah, dude, thanks for the warning bC WHA T THE ACTUAL FUCK_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _i mean go bro bust that nut_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _BUT WAS IT NECESSARY THAT THAT GOT POSTED_

**_jeno:_ ** _fr i forgot it was lol_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _u forgot!!!! u forgot!!!!! bitch_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _u’ve got a real ass sex type and u go and forget!! literally fuck off_

**_jeno:_ ** _did u tell mark_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _no fuckin way m8, i wouldn’t do u like that_

Jeno huffs a laugh and closes his eyes. His phone buzzes a few more times in his hand but he ignores the pending messages.

He’s meeting with Mark for lunch tomorrow. It’ll be the first time he sees anyone since the mall ordeal and the thought sends shivers down his spine. Jeno was the one to initiate the meet-up but he could tell just from Mark’s few texts that they needed to talk.

They all did, technically, but they won’t. 

The group chat between all of them was silent apart from Jisung attempting to break the tension with random memes. Haechan was the only one to respond and it was only with a lowercase “lol.” Knowing him, Renjun most likely had the chat on mute and was shit-talking Jaemin to whoever would listen.

Jeno’s phone goes off again. 

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _no but like deadass are you ok??? like okay okay???_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _i know its late there but u can call me if u need to_

**_YUKHEI:_ ** _but i know thats not relaly ur thin g_

Jeno frowns and types up a quick reply. 

**_jeno:_ ** _cant talk rn, meeting w mark tomorrow, ill call u after_

He sets down his phone, rolls over, and presses his cheek into the pillow.

~*~

Mark is sitting at a table by the window when Jeno walks into the diner. It’s retro-themed and a little outdated, but the food is to die for and the restaurant has been a staple for as long as Jeno can remember. They’ve managed to beat the brunch rush. A lull of quiet chatter puts Jeno at ease.

He takes the seat across from Mark, avoiding eye contact. Mark clears his throat. When Jeno finally sneaks a glance, Mark’s frowning.

“I’m not mad, Jen,” Mark says by way of greeting and Jeno relaxes, if only a little. “I’m just really… confused.”

“I wasn’t feeling great,” Jeno lies before he can stop himself and he swallows. “Sorry.”

But Mark, dear Mark, buys it and offers a tiny smile. “‘S’all good, dude. Just let us know next time, yeah?”

Jeno expects to feel sick but all he feels is relief. Mark sends him another reassuring smile and Jeno opens his mouth, wanting to say something but not knowing what.

The waitress sidles up to their table and asks them for their order. Mark goes first, still eying Jeno curiously. Jeno blurts out what he normally gets and waits for her to leave before speaking.

“So, Lucas,” Jeno begins, and Mark groans.

It’s normal. It’s safe. It’s what Jeno’s been living with for the past two and a half years. Mark has been one of his best friends since elementary school. They’ve grown up together, gone through shit together, stuck together.

It should mean something.

“He’s been texting me nonstop. And, like, at midnight? Like dude cool I guess but go to sleep?” Mark grumbles, though his voice betrays his amusement. “He’s so weird.”

“Did he tell you what he thinks of your church clothes?”

Mark splutters. “My church clothes?!”

“Yeah,” Jeno affirms. “He thinks you look stupid.”

Gaping, Mark whips out his phone and starts typing, fast. “Oh, man, that’s like, a super low blow. It’s like, it’s church, bro. I’m not out here trying to impress anyone but God.”

He sets his phone down just as their food arrives and the two dig in. Lucas texts them both but they ignore the sudden messages in lieu of chatting about college and parents. 

Eventually, conversation tumbled onto the topic of their friends.

Mark always tried to avoid talking about people, but he was a sucker for gossip and would never divert the attention once it came up. Jeno’s surprised when Mark initiates the topic and tries not to let it show.

“So, uh, Jeno. I kinda feel like I need to ask. Also, Renjun’s kinda forcing me to, so…” Mark trails off, leaning back in his seat. “You’ve been kinda off lately. Like, distant. Does this have anything to do with Jaemin?”

And there Jeno goes, lying again. “Not really. Maybe a little, but not really. I’m just really tired. Semester wore me out.” He offers a half-laugh that he hopes sounds genuine.

“Yeah, ‘course. I guess some people are just surprised we’re not hanging out more.”

Jeno sighs. There’s too much he could say, but doesn’t. “I get that. Things have been weird. I don’t know. We’ll have to do more over summer to make up for it.”

This placates Mark, who looks a little less awkward at the comment. “Yeah, for sure. There’s a bunch of really cool movies coming out then. Oh, and the release of this new game--”

*

Jeno gets in his car after lunch and immediately calls Lucas.

“ _Yo, Jeno, thanks for finally telling Mark what’s good.”_

Mark’s car pulls out of the diner parking lot and he throws one last wave as he passes. Jeno waves back lamely. 

Apparently he doesn’t respond, because Lucas asks, “ _Jeno, you there bro?”_

“Yeah, sorry,” he quickly amends. “Actually-- I’m sorry.”

Lucas laughs, unsure. “ _Uh, why?”_

Swallowing, Jeno struggles to find his words. He finally settles on, “It’s nothing. I’ve just been really out of it. I’ll see you in a few days, right?”

_“Yeah, you got it. Be careful out there, bro. Call me if you wanna talk, I’m here for ya.”_

Jeno hangs up.

~*~

Today’s the day.

Jeno had spent the past several days packing, probably more than he needed. Most of his stuff was back at his college apartment, so there was only so much he could grab anyway. Between packing, spending time with his family, and sleeping, those days flew by in a blur.

He texted Mark and Lucas a few times, but his high school friends were still stewing in silence and Jaemin had fallen radio silent. So Jeno drowned whatever free time he had left in videogames, determined not to let his mind wander too far.

His parents dropped him off at the airport far too early in the morning. The airport’s dead at this time and Jeno goes through the motions, checking his bag and shuffling through security with bleary-eyes. The lack of people lets him through the process faster than anticipated. Backpack slung loosely over one shoulder, Jeno trudges in the vague direction of his gate. Only recently had he gotten over the jittery nerves that airports had plagued him with as a child. 

Now, his nerves shake for a different reason entirely.

Jeno picks up the pace. He’s early. There’s no rush. He should stop and get some breakfast.

But--  
  


But he can’t. Can’t _stop._ Can’t stop because there’s a familiar head of blond up ahead, slouching in a seat by the gate, leg bouncing with anticipation. He’s staring down at his phone so intensely that he doesn’t see Jeno stroll up, doesn’t even flinch when Jeno throws down his backpack next to him. 

“Hey,” Jeno says.

Jaemin’s head snaps up so fast Jeno can swear he hears Jaemin’s neck crack. Jaw falling open, eyes wide, Jaemin stares at him in disbelief.

  
“Holy shit,” he blurts, “Oh my fucking god. You’re here.” 

Jeno beams and nods. Jaemin launches out of his seat to meet Jeno’s gaze dead-on, still amazed.

“I didn’t think-- fuck, wow, you’re here, aren’t you?” 

“No, this is a hallucination.”

Jaemin swats at his arm. “Lee Jeno, you never cease to surprise me.”

“Surprise,” Jeno teases, but Jaemin swats at his arm again. They’re both still smiling, far too happy for the early hour, but it doesn’t matter, nothing matters, because they’re here together. They’re together, and they’re going to run away together, and that’s it. 

Just the thought of it has adrenaline running through Jeno like a dose of something illegal.

“You didn’t text me,” Jaemin blurts. 

“I wanted it to be a surprise.” Jeno leaves out the bit where he thought he needed time to weigh the option, but had decided what he wanted to do by the end of the night. Leaves out the fact that he would do anything Jaemin asks, anything at all.

Jaemin shakes his head and pulls him into a tight hug. Doesn’t let go. 

“Thank you,” he whispers into Jeno’s shoulder.

Jeno tightens his grip on Jaemin and nods, Jaemin’s hair brushing his cheek. 

“Of course, Jaemin-nah.”

_Anything for you,_ _Jaemin-nah._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for reading! 
> 
> heads up, the next part of the series is finally in the works. it focuses on markhyuck, so if that's something that interests you, be sure to keep an eye out!!
> 
> if you wanna chat, hmu @paxnoctis on twitter!


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